I don't want to talk about it.
But I'm a blogger, a committed over-sharer. It's my "job" to lay my guts all out here: the good, the bad and the fugly. And I? Am not doing well these days.
I thought March would be my crap month and as the calendar page flipped into April the fog would lift, that I would just walk away from the doom and gloom of the "Month of Death" and the sun would break through the clouds and the birds would chirp and I'd be back to my old chipper self, the one my friends say to, admiringly: "I don't know how you do it, how you have such a positive attitude in spite of allthe crap in your life, how you're just so up for adventure, how you just pack those boys up and head out into the world, willy, nilly."
But lately, I can't find her. I am not myself. the intersection of ADD and depresion is somehting ugly and I am finding myself there. It's been a long time. And I have to pull out of it fast, becasue it's not just me who suffers this time,
I have kids. (um, yeah, you know that) And when I can't get myself dressed until 4 PM, can't get us out of the house on a beautiful spring day, THEY suffer. Because they can't/don't play together (because of the stupid fucking autism). and we live in the city, I can't just toss them out into the backyard, tell them to play with the neighbors.
SO they are in separate rooms, watching TV and on the computer and playing their DSes and waiting for Mom to take them out or make a thousand phone calls to set up a playdate for ethan and I am just spinning my wheels and digging deeper and deeper in my rut, feeling overwhelmed by everything, and feeling like the worst mother in the world. (which I know I am not, I am feeding and caring for them and talking to them -- just not providing much adventure and excitement right now)
And I kept thinking: tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better, be back to my old self. But its just not happening. I have to deal with this. Get help. the ship is sinking and it's time I figured out how to man the life boats.
And I don't want you to know about it, want you to keep thinking I'm amazing, perfect (ahem). But I've written this now, haven't I... so the jig is up. Damn!
Oh, this ain't an easy one to hit the "publish" button on, is it? So I better do it, quick... (And yeah, that was probably a little over 5 minutes again today. Sorry.)
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- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spell-checking. This is writing in the raw.
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