My VOTY for you to enjoy

I am very stressed about the future right now, about my mother's 90th birthday tomorrow, about 5th grade homework and middle school applications, coming up. Also clearing out my mother's apartment and Jacob starting school at a whole new building with a brand new teacher.

So I will take this moment to look back at something pleasant instead (joyful even), from last month before mom fell again and life got really messed up. And I'm inviting you along for the ride:

The BlogHer12 Voices of the year videos are now up, live and online!

And I'm reading a piece I wrote about my mother, about visiting her in this apartment she is now leaving.

So if you missed me, or even want to hear me again, go for it. (I myself can't look, yet. Really. I always hate myself on tape, so why torture myself. One day my curiosity will get the better of me and I''ll watch it, but that day is not today.)

 I've been told I wasn't half bad.

 

And here's the rest of the VOTY readings. So please for the love of god, watch Shari's hysterical piece right after me, which closes out the show on a high note! (If you don't want to sit through the whole thing, you'll find her individual clip under in "Humor" - see bottom of page for link.)

And watch everyone else, all moving, wonderful writers, reading fabulous essays. I loved every minute of sharing this special stage with these incredible people... 

Here's the WHOLE VOTY:

  

Or, if you want to watch individual clips, go here: The BlogHer '12 Voices of the Year Video Is Here! 

Enjoy!

First Thoughts on BlogHer '12

Me reading "Holding Hands" as a VOTY at BlogHer12*

It is now two days since I've come back from the overwhelming, awesome, non-stop whirlwind that was the BlogHer12 conference (and yes, I know it was in NYC, my home town and I didn't officially "go away" as I slept in my own bed every night, yet still I was away from my regular life) and I have yet to have a moment to organize my thoughts on the matter, craft a carefully thought out response.

But this year, damn it, I am determined to not go down my usual rabbit hole of over-rumination, of having to have everything thoroughly digested before I wax forth on the subject. In other words, I'm going to get a post up about BlogHer before the week is out!

Even though I haven't uploaded all my photos yet! Even though I don't know exactly what I want to say about it yet! Even though my brain hasn't settled down one iota yet! Squirrel! Shiny! Where was I? Oh, yeah...

So herein find... not a deep thinking piece of any sort, but rather, what pops out as I whirl through thoughts of the last few days, kind of like the wispy pink threads that are spit out of the core of a cotton candy machine, once it heats up and spins up to speed.

So I now offer up here a few spun sugar thought tendrils that I have caught on the white paper cone I am desperately trying to properly twirl through the bowl of my mind; picking up the feathery wisps and gathering together into something of mass.

(And have I mentioned I am abysmally bad at the actual cotton candy making in real life, having signed Ethan's 4th grade class up for this particular booth at his school's spring fair this year? I thought it would be easy - ha! It requires a certain sort of coordinated dexterity and speed that are currently beyond me. I kept making a mess of things. A sweet, sticky mess. I wish someone had taken a picture of me as I finished my turn at the booth covered in cotton candy bits; looking like I'd gone punk with pink and lavender strands strewn throughout my hair.)

But back to BlogHer (see, my mind, it wanders) here's some nibbles, full meal to come later...

It start and ends with the people, because that's why I'm really there: seeing my Twitter stream and Facebook feeds come to life, getting to engage in face to face conversations with people I already felt intimate with online was, once again, both extraordinary and joyful.

Thursday's Health Minder Day was especially important to me because I was doing the special needs parenting track, and these, THESE were my people. The ones I NEEDED to see, to embrace, to laugh with.

This year, other than Thursday, I went to less panels than any other year, and certainly less than I'd initially planned. Why?

Yeah. 

I WAS READING FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

And that kind of took up a looooooooot of brainspace until it was over. And then I was a bit of a limp noodle for the rest of the conference, afterward.

I had snagged a fortuitous invite (thanks Holly) to a fabulous offsite event organized by Beth and hosted by Liz, where I ran into a host of friends I'd wanted to meet up with and got my picture taken with Kristin Davis:

I'm sure Kristin Davis so wishes she had curly hair like the rest of us!

I also learned all about Zarbee’s all natural honey based cough products. And? It was the perfect thing to keep me busy and distract me from what was coming up next...

Me, reading.**

I did it!

I took the stage and read my post "Holding Hands" as a "Voice of the Year" keynote speaker. I was number fourteen of fifteen readers, and as I listened to the others read before me, sharing their words with the most supportive and accepting audience possible, I actually grew calmer instead of more nervous, as I'd feared.

Standing at the podium I did indeed feel all those who had been there before, standing beside me in spirit. And not just this year's speakers but all five years of Voices, none more so than Susan Niebur, the amazing "Why Mommy" who passed away this past winter after a fierce battle with metastatic inflammatory breast cancer.

Hearing HER read on this selfsame stage two years ago at BlogHer 10 was the absolute highlight of that year, and to me this will always be Susan's stage.

It gave me strength as I read my post about my very elderly mother, who is currently in a much more frail, vulnerable and sad place than when I had written my essay the previous spring. I had been afraid I was going to break down and cry. But i got through it by staying in the moment, feeling the audience, so full of friends and well wishers, right there with me.

And then Shari, the last Voice of this Year, read a completely hysterical essay that had me, and everyone in the room, nearly peeing ourselves with laughter.

My lovely friend Shari, reading

And then there were parties, hotel bar conversations, then Saturday, right, Saturday I... I don't even remember what I did on Saturday (limp noodle, remember). Oh, I did time in the Serenity Suite being and helping others be serene. So serene in fact that I fell asleep a bit, sitting upright too. (And Heather and Ellie, being with you there, one of the heartlights of my weekend.)

Truly time for bed now, I'm getting sloppy, happy-lovey here, and I'm stone cold sober. In fact I had all of ONE drink at BlogHer, some ghastly (but effective) concoction at the Aiming Low party. 

So... Everyone was beautiful, I loved you all (even those of you who stepped on my feet whilst dancing to the overloud shitty music) and if I didn't drop your name in this post tonight, that's just because I'm saving you up for my NEXT BlogHer '12 post-mortem post, wherein I will tell all.

Ok, not quite all.

Because what happens at BlogHer stays at BlogHer... well, except for the 4,000 posts being written about it. Oops! Bad place to misbehave (so glad I didn't).


*photo: Jean Stimey Winegardner
**photo: Holly Rosen Fink 

Listen to the Voices

Today I have a tremendous honor and privilege.

I get to read a blog post I have written in front about 5,000 people, mostly women, at the Voices of the Year keynote address at the BlogHer convention, here in New York City.

And? This is the friendliest, most receptive, appreciative audience I am ever likely to encounter.

And? Fourteen other wonderful writers will be reading along with me, sharing their words of humor, heart, self and belief. Some of these fellow Voices of the Year are old friends, some new. I can not wait to hear them read.

We bonded yesterday in our nervousness as we rehearsed our movements: from green room to holding area to stage, up and down a variety of steps and staircases (thanking goodness I will not be wearing high heels, having no desire to find out if I can actually fly).

We each spent a moment, standing center stage in front of this vast empty ballroom, imagining the faces of our friends, eager to hear our stories, shining up at us from below and beyond.

I am looking forward to it. A little anxious, but mostly excited in anticipation. Yesterday I wore a tunic whose pretty pattern was full of tiny butterflies, if you looked closely. When people asked if I was nervous about my upcoming reading I replied "Not really," then pointed out that I was wearing my butterflies on the outside, so I didn't have to have them in my stomach.

Voices of the Year as the Friday afternoon keynote is a BlogHer tradition that goes back to 2008. There are too many amazing writers in the cohort who have read in past years to name them all here, but suffice it to say I am in amazing company.

Polly/Deborah/Wendi/Eden/Jenni/Alexandra/Cecily/Tanis/Jill/Liz/Jenny/Marinka etc. etc. etc... thank you for paving the way.

But, for me, I will always associate the Voices of the Year with one very special Voice I heard read two years ago, on this same stage in this same ballroom: Susan Niebur, aka Why Mommy.

Susan's BlogHer10 VOTY Keynote address (photo via TeachMama)

At the time she was in the middle of battling yet another recurrence of metastatic inflammatory breast cancer. Susan finally lost that fight this year, in February, when her brilliant light was extinguished, much to the sorrow of many, keenest of all to her loving husband and two young sons.

I know I will feel Susan's presence with me as I walk up those steps, place my hands upon that selfsame podium and speak my words. That stage ever belongs to her, to me. 

But this afternoon I will take to it, make it mine for five minutes, share my words with all who will hear.

And thank you for listening.

And, if you can not be there to hear me, here is what I will read, a slight variation of a post from Spring, 2011:

Holding Hands

Today my mother was tired when I stopped in to visit, planning to take her downstairs to lunch.

And while many a day I will coax and cajole, force her to rouse herself, to rise to the occasion, today I didn't. I let her be.

Why? Because I was tired, too.

So I didn't make her make an effort, make her rise and dress, put in her teeth. I did hand her her hearing aid, however, to make conversation less about shouting and gesturing, and guessing.

And then? I laid down beside her on the big, now half-empty bed and held her hand.

And we talked.

We talked about the little things; about everything and nothing.

I told her how we had just this morning measured Ethan, to find he had grown a full half-inch in a month.

She patted her head and mine, proclaimed us both lucky in our luxuriant curly hair.

I talked to her about Jacob.

"He's still autistic, isn't he?"

"Oh, yes, that's for certain, probably always will be."

Her eyes soften, wishing there were something she could do, finding nothing.

"But he's doing well? He's in a good school?"

"Yes, Mom, Jake’s doing very well, and in a great school, where they love and appreciate him. I'll bring him by soon. He wants to see you, asks for you."

“So everything is good then?”

“Yes, Mom, everything is just fine, terrific.”

(Terrific? Is not a word I currently use to describe my life. Once you add Special Needs into the mix of kids and family, life becomes many things: intense. challenging, stressful - always - stressful, also meaningful and rewarding in ways I had never imagined. But “just fine”? “Terrific”? Not so much.)

But also, this is news that cannot be shared with my mother, not anymore. She needs to know - to believe - that all is well with me, that caring for her is never a burden. She would feel so guilty if she thought she were one more weight heaped upon my life. She feels bad enough it’s me taking care of her now instead of the other way around; that I’M washing out HER underpants. So, to her, my life needs to be “just fine.”)

"Haven't found me a man yet, have you?"

"Nope, Mom. They're either too old, too young or too... dull."

She nods in agreement, knows my father would be a hard act to follow. Yet, still, she longs for companionship.

We lay side by side, a short arms reach apart as I know she had lain for 51 years with my father on many a morning and evening talking about everything and nothing, the easy rhythms of intimacy.

I know this well in my own life, with my husband (though in these frantic child-rearing years, our quietly together times are much fewer and farther between)  -- and also with my son Ethan who zealously hoards his bedtime talking time with me, needing so much to process his day before releasing it to slumber.

I held my mother’s hand.

We talked of this and that, and then we drifted off to sleep; took a little nap, side by side, our fingertips a bridge from daughter to mother.

"I'm going to be 89 soon," she had said, "Imagine that."

"I can. I do. I'm no spring chicken myself, you know."

"I plan to make it to 100." Then, shaking her head, "Not likely."

"Why not?" I’d asked "Why not?'

She just smiled.

We napped.

I woke first, slipped my hand from her now lax fingers, stepped into the kitchen to do a little cleaning up after my formerly fastidious mother who now sees no dirt.

I came back to wake her, to say goodbye. (There was so much to be done back across town, in my own life: groceries to purchase, children to retrieve, encroaching domestic chaos to beat back.)

But first I sat softly on the bed, gently clasped my mother’s hand once again, leaned over to gaze at her barely lined, still beautiful face; whispered quietly, beneath the threshold of her dimmed hearing:

"Why not, 100? Why not?"

Lost Stories of BlogHer11: Rooming with Royalty and a TV Star

Me with my BlogHer11 Roomies: Alexandra & Shari

Well, it's the DAY BEFORE BlogHer12 begins, and I have just realized that I have an unpublished post from last summer's BlogHer11 still sitting in my "zombie files" - where posts that I began and never finished, but to which I'm too attached to just leave for dead, sit and wait for resurrection...

OK, don't laugh, here it is: my final BlogHer11 wrap-up post. And only 364 days after the actual event.

Once again, I’m late to the party; very, very late. Everyone put up their “seriously folks, this is my very last post about BlogHer11” post in late August, about the time I put up my FIRST one. But here's my little secret: if you're late enough you can be early.

So really, this isn't a ridiculously late BH11 post, it's another pre-BH12 post. Voila!

Part of it is that I’m just not a quick digester, I like to ruminate (sorry about the visceral image that metaphor may conjure up). And then there’s, you know, my crazy life. Oh, and did I mention I have ADD. Bad. Yeah, that might be part of it too.

Because I STARTED writing this post on the plane home from BlogHer11 in early August. Last August.

And now I'm finishing it the night before BlogHer 12 kicks off here in my own New York City. One whole year later. (Note to self: work on this ADD thing, OK? Sheesh!)

So....

First of all, I was THERE, at BlogHer11. (And at first I typo-ed that as “BlogHer111” and amused myself by thinking while fixing it, “no that’s not for another 100 years yet.” Now wouldn’t it be something if it were still going on then? Although what that would look like? What media will exist in 2111? I have no idea. So exponential is the rate of technological evolution and advancement at this point, it renders this inquiry mind-bogglingly unimaginable.)

Yes, I actually flew across the country and was immersed up to my elbows in all things Bloggy, at the biggest women’s blogging convention EVER. But, oddly enough, without either the physical or mental capacity to write anything. Oh, I made sure my SN Sibling Saturdays guest post went up (by putting in significant 2 AM time at the hotel’s rent-a-computers center). But other than that? Nada.

And then I came home to the then nine year-old twins, 24/7. And the Autism. And the ADD. And two weeks worth of everyone’s laundry. And I could go on, but I'll spare you.

So I went to BlogHer11, and yes it was terrific, in oh so many ways. I had many tales I could tell, especially about being STYLED by some wonderful ladies. Did I overindulge a bit, were those three days a little over-stuffed? Yes, you might say. But also deeply satisfying.  

And, as always it seems, some of the best parts were unplanned, the result of serendipity or gifts of circumstance; seemingly forced upon me by necessity, but bearing wonderful fruit.

Most importantly, if I could have afforded it, if I hadn’t been doing it on the way-cheap, on a budget of nearly nothing - early bird conference rate, frequent flyer miles airfare, all but one meal free, ridiculously cheap ride to/from airport, etc. etc.? I probably would have stayed in a room alone (a room to myself being a rare-to-never luxury in my life these days). And that would have been a tragedy of epic proportions.

Because, I? Ended up rooming with Royalty and a red-headed TV Star. Oh, yes.

I had booked my room way early FOR ONCE, instead of scrambling at the last minute (usual M.O.) and so I had a much desirable room at the actual conference hotel. I then, eventually (you didn't think I did EVERYTHING on time did you?) set about conjuring up a roommate.

And I got two: the Empress Alexandra of the blog Good Day Regular People, and the lovely Shari, she of the blog: Earth Mother Just Means I'm Dusty. Two very funny women.

Now, pretty much everyone seems to know that Alexandra is also known as "The Empress" due to the royal names of her children and her regal, generous personalty. Alexandra is a blogger much beloved on the internet, and was being wined and dined by many in San Diego, as she was a Voice of the Year speaker.

But did you also know that Shari, the amazing "Dusty" (aka her blog name) is also a reality TV star? Yes, beautiful and funny - what a combo - she recently had her kitchen done over for a reality TV show - and here's her v-log post about it. 

So a merrier band has ne’er been seen in all the world. Truly. We got along famously, like a house on fire. It was like the best parts of being college roommates (heart–to-heart discussions in PJs, honest & hilarious clothing & make-up consultations) without all the other crap (being 18 again and confused & insecure - shudder, shudder).

I had known Shari already in real life, both of us being local members of the sadly defunct Silicon Valley Moms Group Blog. We had bonded over being older moms together, and our love of all things New York City.

Alexandra I had known only online, and I was prepared for a connection, as we had been leaving insightful supportive comments on each others' posts, and tweeting away together for at least a year. But I had no idea how much it would be love at first sight. It was like we had been friends forever.

And she brought me & Shari each this wonderful pendant, just because we let her room with us:

On the back: Super Mom, Super Busy, Super Tired

They were the best roommates EVER. And did not hate me when my husband rang my cell phone at 3 AM local time, waking EVERYONE up, to ask where our son's lunch box might be. (Guess who usually does mornings with the boys?)
 
Last year, Alexandra was a VOTY reader and this year, Shari and I BOTH are. I think maybe some of Alexandra's sparkly magic, filled the room and cast its glow upon on us while we all slept.

I so look forward to seeing them both again this year, hugging them and riding off into the sunset together... or maybe just cruising the Expo hall in search of Dove bars and a good laugh.

My 3rd Annual Obligatory Pre-BlogHer Post or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Con

Well, I figured if I made the title long enough I wouldn't actually have to write much of a post. Doesn't work that way does it? No? I thought not.

Can't I just distract and dazzle you with photos of BlogHers past? 

Me & Jenny at BlogHer10

Can't I just recycle one of my pre-BlogHer posts from the past two years? My funny, irreverent one from last year -  NOT a BlogHer primer - or - Don't take advice from ME! that sort of was a primer?

Or how about the one from 2010 - Look, Ma, I'm going to BlogHer - wherein I told tales out of Sundance and other conferences from my old life?

No?

OK, so here it is:

BlogHer 2012, the biggest, baddest women's blogging conference in the world, coming back to my home town (NYC) and staring in less than two weeks. And I'm... really not thinking about it much. Too much else on my plate, right now. 

Which is completely ridiculous as this year IS a big deal, or rather it's the biggest deal I'm ever likely to experience at a BlogHer conference as I'm one of the 15 Voice of the Year readers.

That means getting up on the stage and reading in front of 4,000 or so fellow bloggers. (Well, the ones who aren't off at fancy private parties, or glued to their bar stools in the Hilton lounge downstairs, or still stuffing swag into their bags in the Expo Hall, that is.)

And have I bought new clothes, lost twenty pounds, had my front teeth fixed, had my hair professionally dyed and well cut? Um, that would be no. People are going to have to take me as I am, the imperfect semi-disheveled mom of my day-to-day life.

Have I filled out a planning spreadsheet, gotten myself invited to a thousand glittery private parties, set up all my meals with people I need to see? No again. There is just going to have to be a lot of serendipity involved this year.

I have bigger fish to fry.

(My Mother.)

I may even have to miss a part of the conference, as I can't spend five straight days without going to see and take care of my mother, wherever she may be at that point. (Her latest tentative release date from rehab is July 30th, and yet she can't go back to living on her own as she is, and I have no idea how this is going to work out.)

The one thing I am doing is praying hard for no major crisis in any part of my life on August 3rd. I really want to read.

So the shakeout of all this, is that I have neither the time nor inclination to be anxious about BlogHer this year. Not that I was much in other years either (see aforementioned posts, I really don't get the per-conference jitters) but it's possible the whole reading in front of 4000 other (mostly) women thing might have gotten me a little spooked.

But no, I'm just going to show up and... whatever whatever. Because the hamster running on the wheel in my brain is so completely burnt out right now, I have very little capacity for planning anything beyond my next moment. Other than, you know, making sure the kids are properly awakened/fed/medicated/lunch-made/backpack-packed/sunscreened/dropped-off/picked-up/dinner-fed/entertained/medicated/bathed/bedded.

And making sure that this will all still go on smoothly while I'm busy at BlogHer. Because even though I will be sleeping at home? I have warned the family that it is going to be LIKE I am away, so expect me to be completely MIA. But, ha!

Guaranteed I will be called back to duty for some minor emergency or other. (Yes, honey, I still remember that 6am YOUR time, but 3am MY time phone call last year to ask where Jake's lunch box might be kept.)

When I stop to think about it for a minute (pause, OK) I am actually very excited about meeting up with dear friends, old and new, distant and near. I can't wait to see my roommates from last year (The Empress) Alexandra and (Dusty Earth Mom) Shari.

Me with BH11 roomies Alexandra & Shari - the 3 Bloggeteers!

Last year Alexandra was a Voice of the Year reader, and this year, Shari and I BOTH are. We think maybe The Empress was our lucky charm. So if you want to be a reader next year, maybe you should go rub her belly for luck. (My dear Alexandra, if a bunch of women accost you next week, forgive me!)

I am also so excited about meeting up with my autism and other special needs parenting cohort at the Thursday Health Minders Day track for us, about taking care of ourselves as we take care of others. Hmmmm... needed much? (YES! YES! YES!) There are too many names to name here, but you know who you are, my peeps, and I can't WAIT to squeeee with you.

And then there's my Listen to Your Mother clan - both the New York performers & production team and my producing/directing counterparts from around the country. I can't wait to see them all, and especially our fearless leader, Ann Imig.

And if you're going to be at BlogHer, YOU should be sure to come to the Listen to Your Mother Open Mike Salon. It was a highlight of last year's BlogHer and promises to be even better this year!!!

I am also doing a stint hosting the Serenity Suite - come visit me there on Saturday from 12-1 and again from 4-5.

OK, looks like I'm actually getting scheduled up, going to be pretty busy there, after all. (Note to self: remember to make up Jake's thrice daily vitamin & medicine packs to last through next Sunday, TODAY!)

And? If you're at BlogHer and you're my friend?

Please come to the Friday afternoon keynote address and sit front and center, so I can see some familiar faces in that sea of humanity when I'm reading, just in case the nerves DO creep up on me. Okay? Thanks.

Have a happy BlogHer everyone!

p.s. If you get the homage reference in the title of this post: congratulations, you are either of my generation or a film buff.

Hopeful and Grateful and Honored

Yes, it IS the 10th of the month and for once I am actually on time with my post over at Hopeful Parents, where you will find me today, summing up what's been going on with my family lately while looking for things to be grateful for in all the insanity.

So go there and read: Things to be Grateful For


But I also wanted to take this moment to note something really lovely:

I have been chosen as a BlogHer Voice of the Year for 2012. And this year, I am not just an honoree but an actual speaker... Which means I will be READING my selected post in the big Friday evening Voices of the Year keynote address at this summer's BlogHer conference here in New York City on August 3rd.

I remember so well sitting in the audience, listening, rapt in 2010 and 2011; being moved to laughter and tears by so many wonderful, inspiring women and their work.

Last year, my dear friend and BlogHer roommate Alexandra (the Empress) was one of the readers, along with other bloggers, old and new to me, whose voices sang out into the room.

And now this year I, along with so many other wonderful women (and one rather wonderful man: instagram genius, Neil Kramer) will get to return the favor. I feel so honored and thrilled, beyond belief, over the moon. It's a blogging gal's dream come true.

So, if this is such big news, if it's so important, then why have I waited nearly 2 long weeks since the official announcement to tell you all about it? For the same reason everything in my life is deferred at the moment: I got the news while sitting by my mother's bedside in the hospital.

It was less than a week out from the fall, when she was still quite touch and go. The lone bright spot in my rather dark day, I thought "I must write a post about this!" but then it was quickly shoved to the back burner by more pressing issues surrounding my mother.

So I have finally grabbed THIS moment to tell you all. Because those pressing issues? They are not going away any time soon.

And the two sentence update on my mom: Today was yet another long up and down day with her. Mostly down, though by the end there was some peace, as she slept and slept.

Monday Listicles: 10 Photos

This week's Monday Listicles assignment seemed EASY: 10 favorite photos. Piece of cake, I thought. Simple. (But with me, of course, nothing ever is, dip below the surface I must, EVERY. freaking. time.)

Because for me "Photos" brings up my late father, the photographer. Heavy. And also I have such a hard time with the concept "favorite"... favorite for content? For aesthetics? And what if there is one more favored photo of one child than another? That just cannot be. My head spins.

So I have made a decision to STOP the torture (you're welcome) and state unequivocally that these are NOT my all time 10 favorite photos. They are merely 10 that I like a lot and that happened to conveniently and handily reside in my blog's web album or my iPhoto library.

Because I REALLY want to get to bed before midnight tonight, dammit!

So, in NO particular order (oh, this is killing me, but I will be strong and not over-think - for ONCE in my life!) 10 photos that I really like:

My Dad, Jim Steinhardt, around 20

1. My Dad as a young man. Yes, this is also in my sidebar. Here it is again. I really DO love this photo, as I never knew this young man. He was 43 when I was born, already bearded and balding.

My Mom, Sylvia Heimer Steinhardt, around 20

2. My Mother, likewise uncannily (to me) young.

July 29, 2002

3. Me, deliriously happy, holding Ethan on the day my twin boys were born. (Also just plain delirious on morphine for my c-section pain.)

The boys' first big snow day, January 2003

4. Me, Danny & the boys, out enjoying their first big snowfall. They were about 6 months old, and we were near zombies from sleep deprivation. But happy zombies, clearly.

"Mother & Child" 1960, by Jim Steinhardt

5. Yes, of course that's my beautiful raven haired mother and me. I think I'm about 3 months old here. Mom is 38. Still gorgeous, of course.

A bunch of Heimers, Ellis Island, 1920-ish

6. I love this photo of some of my mother's relatives, LITERALLY just off the boat, coming to America. This is two of her father's sisters, a brother, and their father, my mother's grandfather whose name she never knew, she just called him "Zayde" (Yiddish for grandpa).

Jim Steinhardt, 1961 by Bruce Steinhardt

7. This is the most amazing photo my father, taken by my brother who was 19 at the time. I believe it was taken in my father's photo studio. This is how he looks in my earliest memories.

Spanish-American Barber Shop, NYC, 1948 by Jim Steinhardt

8. A photo of my father's. Not one of his more famous or iconic ones, but one of my favorites. I couldn't tell you why. I have a print of this one hanging in my apartment. If you look closely you can see my father, fuzzily, in the mirror, taking the shot.

Lake Champlain, Burlington Vt. 2005

9. I love this picture of 3 year-old Jake by the lake. For a while we went to Vermont every summer to see my cousin Jess and her family. We haven't been in 2 years and I miss those visits terribly

Me at BlogHer11

10. And, just because all these photos have all been sooooooooo meaningful, I thought I would go from the sublime to the ridiculous for my last photo here. Have a laugh. Because this caught my eye as I was scrolling through my options in the "upload" window.

This was taken this summer at the BlogHer11 conference, in the Temple of Swag (I think the official name was the Exposition Hall). At the time Ethan was expressing his utter disdain for all things Bieber, and I took this photo with the JB cutout just to yank his chain.

But then this AMAZING thing happened just last weekend with Anna See (the blogger who lost her son in a tragic accident this fall) involving her surviving daughter getting to meet Justin Bieber on an all expense paid trip to to the AMA awards in LA.

So it is not a completely ridiculous photo after all, but rather, suddenly holds major significance. Reminding me that this big star took time out to meet a little girl grieving for her beloved brother, whose one big wish was to meet the Biebster.

So there it is. 10. Done. And it ain't even midnight yet. (Only 11:30) So, goodnight!



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Mo or No Mo?

So, as those of you in the bloggosphere probably know (and with advance apologies to my civilian readers here) November is a special month for bloggers and internet-savvy writers and writers who blog (if there is such a distinction to be made) - it is National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) AND - in response - National Blog Posting Month (or NaBloPoMo); a month where many are committing to writing copious amounts of words EVERY day.*

NaBloPoMo started as a November thing like NaNoWriMo, then the daily blogging part caught on so well that it became a regular monthly thing, and I participated this past July - and yes, wrote a post EVERY day. (See the little "31" next to July 2011 in my archive on the left?)

I enjoyed it, and it was good for my writing; a daily flexing of the muscle and guess what? It gets stronger (duh).

But... but.. it took time. Time that would have / could have been family time. Time that would have / could have been clean up the house time, deal with the mountain of paperwork time. You know the drill.

It was a relief when August came around. But also a bit of a let-down from the writer's high of daily posting. So I thought - November. The BIG month, the uber-NaBloPoMo... I'll do it again then, and planned on it, planted the seed in my brain.

But then October kicked my ass. With my elderly mother's hospitalization and subsequent recovery sucking all the time out of my life, I felt me family needed me. I needed me.

So I decided: I can't do this. As much as I can use my crazy life as excuse to not write, I can also use writing as excuse to neglect parts of my life. Especially the the unpleasant ones: housework, paperwork, etc.

I would be a liar to not admit the chaos factor in our home has increased tenfold since I really became committed to the writing life. Dealing with dust bunnies or crafting a memoir piece... there is NO doubt where my priorities lie. But when the dust bunnies get as large as the sofa? It's a problem.

So I decided to bow out, even prepared a preliminary post called "No Mo" to explain why. It's not that I wasn't going to write, but I was just not going to put the pressure on, make it so I HAD to every day.

But then... but then... so many of my friends were doing one (or BOTH!) of the writing challenges and were talking about it excitedly on their blogs. The Twitter chatter began. And NaBloPoMo's home based moved to BlogHer, MY home base, in so many ways, too.

In short: I started feeling left out. Started feeling resentful of "having" to give up something I had so been looking forward to.

So I signed up. I can still bail at any time during the month if the center just can't hold, if I find Ethan pouting in the evenings, complaining I "love the computer more than you love us!" again.

But the writer in me feels the need to give it the old college try. And I have some tricks up my sleeve.

You may see some very short posts here this month, mere wisps of thought that I would normally save up until I had three or four on a theme to weave into a "good sized and proper" post. But hell, I've noticed many daily posters often go short, so why not me, too.

Also, reading back through my post queue, I have found some very interesting drafts, things half, even three quarters written that I really would love to complete and send out into the world.  Some of them I abandoned, even though I really liked them, because I thought they'd lost their "timeliness."

So I'm thinking this is the perfect excuse to resurrect them, make them resurfaced time capsule type things (including one I can call "Lost Tales of BlogHer11"... yeah THAT post that I never finished).

And now I will end this (completely internal-thought-process, welcome-to-my-brain) post with a question...

Should I be doing NaBloPoMo this month and posting daily, or am I nuts to add that pressure to my life right now?  I have no clear perspective, I'm opening the floor to opinions. Thanks!


*I think I have just topped myself, with the longest opening sentence in a post of mine EVER - reaffirming my title as Queen of the Run-On-Sentence (with parenthetical clauses).


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SOC Sunday: Just. Write.

So, this week I actually got to hang out with the lovely Fadra - who runs & hosts this whole Stream of Consciousness Sunday shindig - at the BlogHer Writers Conference here in NYC.

How could I not do a SOCS post after that? Inconceivable! (Yes, I watched Princess Bride again with my kids last week. So you should hear that last word in your head being rendered by Wallace Shawn. With a lisp.) So here it is:

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I spent all day Friday with my true tribe - writer/bloggers - at the first ever (hopefully becoming annual) BlogHer Writers conference. There was so much useful informatiuon and so many amazing conversations going on all day (and at the cocktail reception the evening before) that my brain feels about to explode.

And I am still digesting most of it. But if there is one message I took away from the conference? It was this:

JUST. FUCKING. WRITE.

And then? Re-write. And trash whatever is not wonderful (even if its 80%) and re-write again. Make it great.

And don't put ALL of it up on your blog. Because if you want to be published elsewhere, to SELL your words, it has to be new & fresh content. So you can't give it all away first.

Also? It helps to have an agent. As in, if you don't have one you are 99% of the time totally screwed. But also? If your writing is good? You will find an agent. When you are READY.

And being ready? means that you have followed the above directives and have an actual COMPLETED book in your hands when you contact them.

For fiction & memoir that is (memoir being narrative and sold / bought like fiction). For non-fiction you "just" need three sample chapters and a kick-ass book proposal.

ANd, to get the attention of an agent?  It helps to have credibility. A track record. Which means articles sold to magazines or stories / essays published in literary journals.

Hmmm, a lot more hard work and commitment than just spewing out a post and slapping it up on the old blog, huh?

Yup! (ANd yeah, other than these Sundays I don't usually just spew, I AM a change-the-word-ten-times-until-I've-got-the-one-I-like-best perfectionist writer. Guilty as charged.)

So I've got a lot to contemplate. Because the instant gratification of writing and posting, being my own publisher? Pretty intoxicating. Works for me so far.

But also? I have a book in me. a few books actually. And I'm thinking they want out....

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New to SOCS?  It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump.  Want to try it?  Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spell-checking. This is writing in the raw.

You can do it, too!  Click on the picture link and let's hear your 5 minutes of brilliance...

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I was Styled At BlogHer!

On the pink carpet at the Style Suite Party

I love pretty things, I like color and style and find fashion fun. I fish the the NY Times styles section out of the recycle pile my husband has tossed it into and read it.
 
But I'm an autism mom, and let's face it: being fashionable is far, far from the center of my life right now. It's not even on the map.

So imagine my thrill when, based on my post Shape Shifting, I was chosen to be one of the moms rescued by the Moms Fashion File and given a make-over at BlogHer in the Secret Style Suite, and then sent out to walk the pink carpet at their lovely Style Suite Party.

The day was amazing.  I arrived at my appointed time and entered a lovely suite on the top of the Hard Rock Hotel, complete with terraces affording a great view of San Diego.

After warm greetings from my lovely, gracious hosts -- Andrea of SavvySassyMoms, Nicole of Momtrends, and Alison of Sassy Moms in the City -- we took a "before" shot:

Look, it's "the green dress"!

Then I was whisked into the room of many clothes, and I was fully outfitted:

 
First I was given a set of comfortable underwear from BALI intimates (no I'm not showing you me in THAT!)

And then, after a few false starts, the loveliest party dress just slipped onto my body and was clearly the one for me: this black lace over purple satin number from Kiyonna. The purple is subtle peeking out through the lace, but there.

Not the best pic of me - but don't look at me - look at The DRESS! The SHOES!

Shoes. What woman doesn't love shoes? And they were giving me a pair. Yay!

But? They wanted us in heels. I don't wear high high heels. I have some foot issues and also have trouble walking in them. Yet I was persuaded to try on these puppies from Dr. Scholl's (yes, I know I'm horribly pigeon toed, have been all my life, and so is Ethan).

And? People? They were comfortable, shockingly comfortable. And with a really cushioned footbed and I could (and did) walk in them and did not fall on my face once all evening. (Yay, me!)

Then I was accessorized with some very interesting jewelry by Stella & Dot including a fabulous bracelet (loaner only on the jewelry, sob).

Finally, we picked out a great matching purple bag (in vinyl for good karma) by Namaste Handbags.

And then it was time to glam me up. A daunting task if ever there was one....

My first stop was with celebrity makeup artist Tia Dantzler.

And she was a lovely, lovely woman. We chatted about our lives while she made a more glamorous version of me appear like magic.

Then? Hair! Everyone always wants to blow out my curls, and make my hair straight. Nope. They're a big part of my signature style, close to my identity. I am a curly-haired woman.

But once I'd said no to the blow, the talented women of Detour Salon did the next best thing - they tamed my curls, made them big and wavy, softer and without any frizz - magic I tell ya. OK, magic and a lot of time spent with curling irons.

See the difference?

Half done. Look at those amazing big curls on the right!

I still felt like me, but definitely a more fabulous me.

The hair at its best, before the day softened the transformation

Everyone commented on how lovely my hair looked when I went back to the conference for the afternoon sessions.

Me with fabulous hair and BH roomies Alexandra & Shari

Finally, I got my nails done by Ginny Cardenas, the force behind Scotch Naturals. This is very special nail polish. It's made from non-toxic ingredients, and it's actually good for your nails, instead of drying them out -- can you imagine?!

This woman, who created the product line and runs the company, has an amazing story and there is a whole post in that (which I will tell at some future point). But lets just say she is another mother with a mission, and I loved the time I spent with her while she graciously adorned my fingers AND toes (it having been determined that my sparkly blue toenails just MUST be transformed into purple to go better with the dress).

Done!

And then, to top it off, I was sent away with over-the-top amazing gift bag from Lands End: one of their wonderful canvas totes filled to the brim, including EVERYTHING I needed to take a dip in the hotel pool on Sunday.

(No, I did NOT swim on Saturday and ruin the amazing hair & make-up job. I even chose to forgo the cocktail cruise I had been invited to, figuring wind + hair = disaster. See I'm not a total beauty/fashion idiot.)

And then came evening. It was a lovely party (which I nearly didn't make it to, due to a stalled freight train cutting off the conference hotel from the rest of town for about an hour, but that's a $15 cab ride and another story). Food! Wine! Ice Cream!

 

And then, for the first (and probably only) time in my life... I was in a fashion show!

And I did NOT trip and fall on my face. And those shoes were still comfortable at the end of the evening, when I was back at the conference hotel, dancing my ass off at BlogHer's traditional late night Cheese BurgHer party... Amazing!

Many thanks to the party's sponsors: Plum District, Ciao Bella Gelato (num num num), Johnson's, Stokke, Trop 50 and Windows Phone for a lovely, lovely evening.  And thanks again to the lovely ladies who styled and beautified me, and most of all to the hostesses with the mostesses: Andrea, Nicole, and Alison.

You made this often dowdy fifty year-old mom feel fashionable and fabulous, and I'll never forget that. 


P.S.  I used to wonder why bloggers would list all the goodies they had received at their exclusive "invite only" events, as it felt like bragging. But now I understand, because I genuinely want to thank all the people who helped make this day possible. As I am feeling very grateful, I wanted to name the companies involved, and spotlight their generosity. So if you hate hearing about other people's swag, I apologize and ask for your understanding: for me it's all about the thanking.

P.P.S.  Deep apologies for how long it's taken to get this post out. My life exploded when I got back from BlogHer (I'm just unpacking now!) and then Hurricane Irene threw me for a big loop as I had to scramble to pick my autistic son up from his camp early and get back before the storm hit full force, so there went my planned writing time. And did I mention I have ADD and I just plain suck at deadlines? Yup. Sorry.


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Written on Bathroom Walls

Sometimes? A small truth is where you least expect to find it. This was found a few weeks ago in the bathroom of the Hungarian Pastry Shop in Morningside Heights in New York City. The walls are usually covered with graffiti (it's a popular hang-out for the Columbia University crowd), but about once a year they repaint to give a clean slate to the bathroom philosophers.
 
Want to see it closer up?

And I agree. I so agree.

I have a million things to say, but no time to write right now, so I thought I'd let someone else's found words do it for me today.

Also? I DO have a BlogHer11 post coming out - at least two, in fact. But the fact that I am a slow blogger (see last year's very late The BlogHer10 reflections of a very. slow. newbie. blogger), AND that I was away with my family for days without decent internet access, AND that I am a ruminator, that I often need time (and sometimes a LOT of it) to digest things before I'm ready to comment?

Means those posts are still cooking. I'm seasoning & stirring the soup for sure, just not ready to serve it yet. I do sincerely PROMISE they're coming soon.

But until then? Just to tease a a bit and because it fits with the theme here (and to prove that I actually WAS at BlogHer this year)...

Here's this year's picture of me with Jenny, The Bloggess at the People's Party in the bathroom they built for her INSIDE the party room.

Forgive the poor quality - this was taken on my phone which is an early droid model with no light. And Jenny is MUCH more beautiful than this (see last year's picture in this post), it's just the only shot I've got so I'm using it (forgive me Jenny, OK?)

Also while you're waiting for my BlogHer post? Read this lovely one by my friend Stacey.


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