To Heaven and Hell in a day

Ethan & Jake in the Mist Zone

Today was the last day of Jacob's two week break between the end of school-school and the beginning of camp-school (what we call summer school around here so it can feel more like what Ethan does which is capital "C" Camp).

I had planned on having it be a very magical "Mom and me" time for him with special trips and activities, but then things with MY Mom went South and well, I have barely given my poor boy the time of day. Our "big trips" have been to go visit my Mom, first in the hospital and then in the Long Island rehab center.

Jacob doesn't mind of course, he loves to see his Grandma, and in fact, talks about her all the time right now, asks to see pictures of her from our trips. "Let me see Grandma sick" he requests, scrolling through my iPhone for all the recent images of her.

Today though, being the last of the last, I was planning something special. That is until a very loud thunderstorm woke him up irreparably at 5:05 this morning. With Jake out of school and Ethan's camp sporting a 9:30 start time, that meant that he and therefore *I* was up a whopping THREE hours before expected.

And me, seriously under-slept at this point means seriously cranky and no fun at all.

I was seriously cranky and no fun at all.

So instead of a day at a museum and playground, Jake had a day in front of the TV at his drawing table. He got to watch a whole Batman the Animated Series DVD and go though about a quarter ream of paper. He was perfectly happy.

I felt like a crappy parent, but what else is new these days.

We took an exciting trip across town to pick up some medication samples from a doctor for a drug that otherwise costs upwards of $175 a month on our crappy insurance plan, and then exciting trip back to the West Side in time to pick Ethan up from Camp.

It was HOT in New York City today, one of those real deadly summer scorchers we all dread. After pick-up there was a resounding call for lemon ices from the camp canteen so we indulged.

And right near the canteen and shaded sitting area was the "mist zone" - a misty sprinkler you can run through (or stand in) to cool down considerably. It was running full blast today.

Now, in the past, Jacob has had considerable difficulty with getting wet when not in his bathing suit and in a swimming situation (when he is then perfectly happy to spend the day submerged) but that has been changing lately (thank goodness!) and I was curious to see what would happen here.

And indeed, Jacob was seriously interested in cooling down and joining in the fun. What was most amazing was that he observed that many of the other boys had taken off their shirts and he asked if he could take his off, too.

And if you know anything about autism, you'll know how stellar this was, and that I was over the moon. My boy looking to what the other kids are doing and deciding he wants to do things the same way. And then having a great time doing so. (Autism Mom swoon.)

One happy boy

Much fun was had. Ethan was even in a generous spirit towards his brother and played in the mist with him a bit, horsed around under the shade tent.

Yes, that is Jake under that towel

And then? And then? I made the rookie mistake of counting my happiness chickens before they'd hatched. Because walking from camp back to Broadway to catch the bus home, somewhere in the middle of 111th Street, Jacob asked to watch TV when we got home and I did not say "Absolutely yes." I told he we weren't going to talk about TV right now.

Ethan had lost screen time for the rest of the day (don't ask, a third ignoring of my admonishment against doing something) and I didn't want to promise Jake TV right away until I could figure out how to wrangle keeping it away from Ethan at the same time.

And then some combination of the extreme heat and the earliness of the rising and the fickle gods of autism deciding their free pass had expired kicked in. Jake heard a "no" where I had said a "maybe" and he just lost his shit in a way he hasn't for a while.

Screaming crying wailing and shouting, much stomping and rolling around on the sidewalk. Snot pouring out of his nose and mouth and no kleenex or napkin in sight. (Autism Mom sob.)

Ethan stood about a half building away, pretending he didn't know us. He has reached the "age of much embarrassment" about his family, and having an autistic brother in full-on melt-down mode is, I would think, about as top of that list as you can get.

And it went on and on and I realized the idea of him calming down completely before we moved on was moot, so I walked a sniveling and occasionally still sobbing and shouting boy to the corner and we all caught a cab home.

And then it was of course dinnertime, but Jake didn't want me to leave him alone in his bedroom where the meltdown was continuing apace to go to the kitchen and make it (because of course by this time the idea of any TV at all tonight was completely out of the question, and he was all sad about THAT now).

Ethan was hungry and tired and wanting my attention too, and so I had two clingy, wiped-out kids and no screens to mesmerize them into relative calm while I got our meal together.

Eventually dinner was assembled, eaten; baths and showers were taken, pajamas donned. Jake was tucked into bed as early as possible (but not without one more teary mini-melt right as we were singing him to sleep).

And then, Ethan cuddled into me as I read to him from a book I'd been wanting him to try for a while - the first book of Diane Duane's "Young Wizards" series - and I got him hooked. He yelled "Noooooo!" when I put the book down, and picked it up to read himself to sleep a few short minutes later.

After trundling him off to his bed, I sat on the sofa in a deep mom-stupor.

What a day.

And I hear there's another one coming up tomorrow.

Planets

Venus & Jupiter in the sky - so NOT in New York City

Tonight Ethan and I ran a little excursion after dinner. Just the two of us. When we walked out the door it was not quite seven o'clock. These days that means a sky full of light.

Added to the ridiculously unseasonable warmth, us stepping out of a March eve in mere t-shirts, and I was hard pressed to remember it wasn't a languorous summer evening, but yet a school night, and thus we had to execute our errand quickly and hurry home.

Besides, I had promised the upstairs neighbors with whom I had parked Jake that we'd be back within the hour, and I sorely did not want to abuse my favor currency with them, would surely be needing to spend it again soon.

Jake himself was delirious to be upstairs with his "best friends" -- the four year-old sister of a pair of brothers who are Ethan's good school friends, and their white terrier, Mac, with whom Jake is nearly as obsessed as he is with our cat.

Ethan and I were on a mission, because I had failed in my mom-duties today: I was to have picked up a particular book for Ethan, another in the once-seeming-endless Warriors series that we are now close to outflanking.

The latest installment comes out in April, and the one before that will appear in paperback the same day, when we will finally snatch it up. I adamantly refuse to purchase these throwaway books in hardcover, so Ethan is going to have to get over his aversion to the library if he wants to read that last one anytime soon.

We absolutely HAD to go to the bookstore because he had finished the last Warriors book in our possession the day before, and thus we were now in the dreaded state of NOTHING TO READ.

I will not mention again the hundred wonderful books, sitting uncracked in our apartment; forlorn, unbeloved, rejected out of hand. Ethan is a picky reader. But for that he is now these past two years an avid reader, I am eternally grateful. I will forgive the undeserved scorn he heaps upon those poor maligned tomes, for the joy suffusing his being as he greedily devours the chosen volumes.

Ethan is in high, silly spirits as we walk the busy Broadway blocks to our local Barnes & Noble, and I am grumpy, nursing a throbbing elbow that may be a cracked bone or terribly distressed tendon. No way to tell until I visit the doctor, which I have such a deep aversion to doing.

I don't mind doctors and their offices, really I don't, feeling quite at home there from the countless hours spent looking after my elderly parents' health. And I kind of like peering inside my body, the few times I have myself merited scans or x-rays, mysteries revealed in dramatic, if ghostly, black and white.

But it's the time I dread; the time, the time, the time I do not have.

And so Ethan skips and darts around me walking down the street, as much crazed mosquito as boy, as I protectively cradle my elbow and brood.

"Look at all the people out in the evening!" Ethan proclaims with wonderment, and I dive again into pointless regret that we are not living anything like the life I had imagined, filled with evening family strolls and nighttime explorations of the city.

Jacob does not like to leave home all that much, and to be out with Jacob and Ethan together is most often a form of torture. I must steel myself for it. I must have some wealth of resilience in my bones, some stored reserve of calm and good mothering at the ready. There are days when I can and days when I can't and today was decidedly in the inconceivable column, my tanks in the red zone, surely running on fumes.

<^>^<^>

Mission accomplished, book in hand, Ethan and I pushed through the store's glass doors into a city become near night, the sky's blue glow nearly extinguished, the streets bathed in yellow-orange incandescence. 

Turning west to walk the two short blocks to Riverside and home, the brightest of stars appeared in the overhead sky. Not stars, planets: Venus and Jupiter blazing, blindingly bright in the deep cerulean sky that slices between the highrises, thankfully not obliterated. These two gods are in a much celebrated love fest this March, a conjunction the likes of which will not manifest again until next May.

And yet, while they appear to be quite close, kissing distance on the Ides, they are in fact not truly crossing at all. It's just an artifact of our perspective, the way they look from here on our own dear mudball.

They are in fact deeply distant from each other, Venus lying sunward from us, drawing us in toward the heart of our solar system, while Jupiter circles round us from the outside. To gaze upon Jupiter is to reach out toward the distant galaxies and the universe's noisy edges at the jagged beginning of time.

I do not like that my children are distant planets, each locked into their own distinct orbits, occasionally approaching but never truly crossing paths, both merely circling 'round me, their sun.

How I wish instead they were more like a double star system, like so many of the other twins we know: circling each other, at times closer, at times more distant but always in orbit, one about the other; connected, entwined, hurtling through space as one.

But I must, as ever, resist the siren pull of the "what ifs," of the dark matter that draws me to its crushing embrace.

I must instead stay here, in the now, in the track of my actual sons.

The one who lives on planet Autism.

And the one who does not.

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Return to Prydain, Triumphant

Ethan, in his reading, is a creature of habit.  He likes series; long, long series, so there will be no unsettling surprises.  I read a lot of Magic Treehouse books to him when he was younger.  This fall he's just chomped his way through the entire My Weird School and My Weird School Daze series of humor novels.

The other evening, wailing that he had "nothing to read" in spite of overflowing bookshelves, I gingerly pulled out a book with trepidation... was he ready?  Wasn't he?  Because this was a special book, much beloved from my childhood.  And not just the story, but the actual book, a paperback survived these 42 years.

The book?  "The Book of Three" by Lloyd Alexander.

The first book in his wonderful, award winning five part fantasy tale, inspired by Welsh mythology (oh, those names with the double "Ff"s and "Gwy"s); a time of enchantments and ancient kings, swords and barrows.  Ethan has been loving the Deltora Quest fantasy TV show and books.  We have lived in the magical world of the Last Airbender for a while now (the books and the wonderful TV show, not the goofy movie).  So maybe, maybe...

My 1969 copy of the book

The cover and the pages have yellowed, but not crumbled.  Ethan was astonished by the cover price: 75 cents (how times have changed, my computer keyboard doesn't even have the little strike-out "c" symbol to render that properly).

But Ethan was suspicious; the book was an unknown entity.  Ignoring him, I picked it up and forged ahead, using my sneak attack maneuver: starting to read out loud while he was seemingly distracted by something else (in this case drawing).  It worked.  Two pages in, he came over and snuggled up against me, rapt.

When I got to the end of the first chapter and went to put it down, he begged me not to stop. "This is too good, Mom, we can't stop here."  And that's when the trap is sprung, "I have to do a few things before bedtime, honey, but you can read the next chapter by yourself if you want."  And he did.

So now, every night for the past three nights we have read two or three chapters.  I read one or two out loud, he reads one or two to himself.  He talks and conjectures about the characters, questions their futures. He pesters me to tell him the secrets, to answer the deep mysteries that are revealed only at the very end.

He howls at my reply: "You'll have to keep reading to find that one out," is placated by the one or two bones I toss him to keep him from dying of curiosity.

And tonight Ethan uttered the words that made my book-loving mother's heart melt anew: "Mom, I love this book."

I am kvelling.  I am over the moon.  The fact that I was exactly Ethan's age when I first read this book?  As thrilling to him as to me. 

For you see, I am a reader, I have been all my life.  Books have been my dearest friends since I was a young child.  And the Prydain series?  My very best friend for many years.

How many times I read these books over and over as a child I could not count.  There is something that deeply captivated me about them, the stories full of large and small perfect moments, the characters richly nuanced.  Watching Taran mature and grow from a feckless youth to a young man, wise and capable of leadership, still stirs my soul.

I always imagined sharing these books with a child of mine someday.  And that day is finally today, and my heart is fluttering.  This is a moment made ever more sweet and precious because for a long time I wasn't sure we would ever get here.

Because Ethan, while like me in many ways, is also clearly not me, made little.  He did not come to reading with joy in his heart.  He is a child of the age of electronics, a computer game kid.  And when he was learning to read at 5?  He declared reading and books "boring."  Way to stab an ice pick into your book-loving mom's heart, kidddo!

It was hard to find the right book to hook him with, a gateway book, as it were, but I worked at it, patiently (don't laugh, I can be patient when I need to).  A lot of trial and error, me holding my peace when books I thought would be a bit hit were declared "stupid" "boring" "girly" "babyish" "scary" and otherwise rejected.

We finally found a few that he liked, such as Louis Sachar's wonderful Sideways Stories from Wayside School books and proceeded from there.

Ethan reading a Wayside School book, summer 2009

Remember, I had a deeply hidden agenda in my back pocket: there were those books from my childhood that had meant so much to me, that I had hoped to someday share at least some of with my children.

Having only boys, and in particular a boy who (my best feminist intentions to the contrary) despised all things deemed "girly," I realized it was unlikely we were going to be visiting my well loved Little House on the Prairie or All-of-a-Kind Family series together.  Island of the Blue Dolphins?  Not likely either.

But a visit to Prydain, Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea?  Maybe... probably... oh YES!

And?  The next "hold my breath" beloved yet boy-friendly childhood book? A Wrinkle in Time.  Mrs Whatsit, Mrs Who, Mrs Which, chill your jets a little bit longer.  All signs are pointing in the right direction, we're coming soon.

Disclosure: I am an Amazon Associate.  If you click on any of the hotlinks to buy a book, I will receive a (very) small percentage from this purchase.

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