First Thoughts on BlogHer '12

Me reading "Holding Hands" as a VOTY at BlogHer12*

It is now two days since I've come back from the overwhelming, awesome, non-stop whirlwind that was the BlogHer12 conference (and yes, I know it was in NYC, my home town and I didn't officially "go away" as I slept in my own bed every night, yet still I was away from my regular life) and I have yet to have a moment to organize my thoughts on the matter, craft a carefully thought out response.

But this year, damn it, I am determined to not go down my usual rabbit hole of over-rumination, of having to have everything thoroughly digested before I wax forth on the subject. In other words, I'm going to get a post up about BlogHer before the week is out!

Even though I haven't uploaded all my photos yet! Even though I don't know exactly what I want to say about it yet! Even though my brain hasn't settled down one iota yet! Squirrel! Shiny! Where was I? Oh, yeah...

So herein find... not a deep thinking piece of any sort, but rather, what pops out as I whirl through thoughts of the last few days, kind of like the wispy pink threads that are spit out of the core of a cotton candy machine, once it heats up and spins up to speed.

So I now offer up here a few spun sugar thought tendrils that I have caught on the white paper cone I am desperately trying to properly twirl through the bowl of my mind; picking up the feathery wisps and gathering together into something of mass.

(And have I mentioned I am abysmally bad at the actual cotton candy making in real life, having signed Ethan's 4th grade class up for this particular booth at his school's spring fair this year? I thought it would be easy - ha! It requires a certain sort of coordinated dexterity and speed that are currently beyond me. I kept making a mess of things. A sweet, sticky mess. I wish someone had taken a picture of me as I finished my turn at the booth covered in cotton candy bits; looking like I'd gone punk with pink and lavender strands strewn throughout my hair.)

But back to BlogHer (see, my mind, it wanders) here's some nibbles, full meal to come later...

It start and ends with the people, because that's why I'm really there: seeing my Twitter stream and Facebook feeds come to life, getting to engage in face to face conversations with people I already felt intimate with online was, once again, both extraordinary and joyful.

Thursday's Health Minder Day was especially important to me because I was doing the special needs parenting track, and these, THESE were my people. The ones I NEEDED to see, to embrace, to laugh with.

This year, other than Thursday, I went to less panels than any other year, and certainly less than I'd initially planned. Why?

Yeah. 

I WAS READING FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

And that kind of took up a looooooooot of brainspace until it was over. And then I was a bit of a limp noodle for the rest of the conference, afterward.

I had snagged a fortuitous invite (thanks Holly) to a fabulous offsite event organized by Beth and hosted by Liz, where I ran into a host of friends I'd wanted to meet up with and got my picture taken with Kristin Davis:

I'm sure Kristin Davis so wishes she had curly hair like the rest of us!

I also learned all about Zarbee’s all natural honey based cough products. And? It was the perfect thing to keep me busy and distract me from what was coming up next...

Me, reading.**

I did it!

I took the stage and read my post "Holding Hands" as a "Voice of the Year" keynote speaker. I was number fourteen of fifteen readers, and as I listened to the others read before me, sharing their words with the most supportive and accepting audience possible, I actually grew calmer instead of more nervous, as I'd feared.

Standing at the podium I did indeed feel all those who had been there before, standing beside me in spirit. And not just this year's speakers but all five years of Voices, none more so than Susan Niebur, the amazing "Why Mommy" who passed away this past winter after a fierce battle with metastatic inflammatory breast cancer.

Hearing HER read on this selfsame stage two years ago at BlogHer 10 was the absolute highlight of that year, and to me this will always be Susan's stage.

It gave me strength as I read my post about my very elderly mother, who is currently in a much more frail, vulnerable and sad place than when I had written my essay the previous spring. I had been afraid I was going to break down and cry. But i got through it by staying in the moment, feeling the audience, so full of friends and well wishers, right there with me.

And then Shari, the last Voice of this Year, read a completely hysterical essay that had me, and everyone in the room, nearly peeing ourselves with laughter.

My lovely friend Shari, reading

And then there were parties, hotel bar conversations, then Saturday, right, Saturday I... I don't even remember what I did on Saturday (limp noodle, remember). Oh, I did time in the Serenity Suite being and helping others be serene. So serene in fact that I fell asleep a bit, sitting upright too. (And Heather and Ellie, being with you there, one of the heartlights of my weekend.)

Truly time for bed now, I'm getting sloppy, happy-lovey here, and I'm stone cold sober. In fact I had all of ONE drink at BlogHer, some ghastly (but effective) concoction at the Aiming Low party. 

So... Everyone was beautiful, I loved you all (even those of you who stepped on my feet whilst dancing to the overloud shitty music) and if I didn't drop your name in this post tonight, that's just because I'm saving you up for my NEXT BlogHer '12 post-mortem post, wherein I will tell all.

Ok, not quite all.

Because what happens at BlogHer stays at BlogHer... well, except for the 4,000 posts being written about it. Oops! Bad place to misbehave (so glad I didn't).


*photo: Jean Stimey Winegardner
**photo: Holly Rosen Fink 

Listen to the Voices

Today I have a tremendous honor and privilege.

I get to read a blog post I have written in front about 5,000 people, mostly women, at the Voices of the Year keynote address at the BlogHer convention, here in New York City.

And? This is the friendliest, most receptive, appreciative audience I am ever likely to encounter.

And? Fourteen other wonderful writers will be reading along with me, sharing their words of humor, heart, self and belief. Some of these fellow Voices of the Year are old friends, some new. I can not wait to hear them read.

We bonded yesterday in our nervousness as we rehearsed our movements: from green room to holding area to stage, up and down a variety of steps and staircases (thanking goodness I will not be wearing high heels, having no desire to find out if I can actually fly).

We each spent a moment, standing center stage in front of this vast empty ballroom, imagining the faces of our friends, eager to hear our stories, shining up at us from below and beyond.

I am looking forward to it. A little anxious, but mostly excited in anticipation. Yesterday I wore a tunic whose pretty pattern was full of tiny butterflies, if you looked closely. When people asked if I was nervous about my upcoming reading I replied "Not really," then pointed out that I was wearing my butterflies on the outside, so I didn't have to have them in my stomach.

Voices of the Year as the Friday afternoon keynote is a BlogHer tradition that goes back to 2008. There are too many amazing writers in the cohort who have read in past years to name them all here, but suffice it to say I am in amazing company.

Polly/Deborah/Wendi/Eden/Jenni/Alexandra/Cecily/Tanis/Jill/Liz/Jenny/Marinka etc. etc. etc... thank you for paving the way.

But, for me, I will always associate the Voices of the Year with one very special Voice I heard read two years ago, on this same stage in this same ballroom: Susan Niebur, aka Why Mommy.

Susan's BlogHer10 VOTY Keynote address (photo via TeachMama)

At the time she was in the middle of battling yet another recurrence of metastatic inflammatory breast cancer. Susan finally lost that fight this year, in February, when her brilliant light was extinguished, much to the sorrow of many, keenest of all to her loving husband and two young sons.

I know I will feel Susan's presence with me as I walk up those steps, place my hands upon that selfsame podium and speak my words. That stage ever belongs to her, to me. 

But this afternoon I will take to it, make it mine for five minutes, share my words with all who will hear.

And thank you for listening.

And, if you can not be there to hear me, here is what I will read, a slight variation of a post from Spring, 2011:

Holding Hands

Today my mother was tired when I stopped in to visit, planning to take her downstairs to lunch.

And while many a day I will coax and cajole, force her to rouse herself, to rise to the occasion, today I didn't. I let her be.

Why? Because I was tired, too.

So I didn't make her make an effort, make her rise and dress, put in her teeth. I did hand her her hearing aid, however, to make conversation less about shouting and gesturing, and guessing.

And then? I laid down beside her on the big, now half-empty bed and held her hand.

And we talked.

We talked about the little things; about everything and nothing.

I told her how we had just this morning measured Ethan, to find he had grown a full half-inch in a month.

She patted her head and mine, proclaimed us both lucky in our luxuriant curly hair.

I talked to her about Jacob.

"He's still autistic, isn't he?"

"Oh, yes, that's for certain, probably always will be."

Her eyes soften, wishing there were something she could do, finding nothing.

"But he's doing well? He's in a good school?"

"Yes, Mom, Jake’s doing very well, and in a great school, where they love and appreciate him. I'll bring him by soon. He wants to see you, asks for you."

“So everything is good then?”

“Yes, Mom, everything is just fine, terrific.”

(Terrific? Is not a word I currently use to describe my life. Once you add Special Needs into the mix of kids and family, life becomes many things: intense. challenging, stressful - always - stressful, also meaningful and rewarding in ways I had never imagined. But “just fine”? “Terrific”? Not so much.)

But also, this is news that cannot be shared with my mother, not anymore. She needs to know - to believe - that all is well with me, that caring for her is never a burden. She would feel so guilty if she thought she were one more weight heaped upon my life. She feels bad enough it’s me taking care of her now instead of the other way around; that I’M washing out HER underpants. So, to her, my life needs to be “just fine.”)

"Haven't found me a man yet, have you?"

"Nope, Mom. They're either too old, too young or too... dull."

She nods in agreement, knows my father would be a hard act to follow. Yet, still, she longs for companionship.

We lay side by side, a short arms reach apart as I know she had lain for 51 years with my father on many a morning and evening talking about everything and nothing, the easy rhythms of intimacy.

I know this well in my own life, with my husband (though in these frantic child-rearing years, our quietly together times are much fewer and farther between)  -- and also with my son Ethan who zealously hoards his bedtime talking time with me, needing so much to process his day before releasing it to slumber.

I held my mother’s hand.

We talked of this and that, and then we drifted off to sleep; took a little nap, side by side, our fingertips a bridge from daughter to mother.

"I'm going to be 89 soon," she had said, "Imagine that."

"I can. I do. I'm no spring chicken myself, you know."

"I plan to make it to 100." Then, shaking her head, "Not likely."

"Why not?" I’d asked "Why not?'

She just smiled.

We napped.

I woke first, slipped my hand from her now lax fingers, stepped into the kitchen to do a little cleaning up after my formerly fastidious mother who now sees no dirt.

I came back to wake her, to say goodbye. (There was so much to be done back across town, in my own life: groceries to purchase, children to retrieve, encroaching domestic chaos to beat back.)

But first I sat softly on the bed, gently clasped my mother’s hand once again, leaned over to gaze at her barely lined, still beautiful face; whispered quietly, beneath the threshold of her dimmed hearing:

"Why not, 100? Why not?"

Lost Stories of BlogHer11: Rooming with Royalty and a TV Star

Me with my BlogHer11 Roomies: Alexandra & Shari

Well, it's the DAY BEFORE BlogHer12 begins, and I have just realized that I have an unpublished post from last summer's BlogHer11 still sitting in my "zombie files" - where posts that I began and never finished, but to which I'm too attached to just leave for dead, sit and wait for resurrection...

OK, don't laugh, here it is: my final BlogHer11 wrap-up post. And only 364 days after the actual event.

Once again, I’m late to the party; very, very late. Everyone put up their “seriously folks, this is my very last post about BlogHer11” post in late August, about the time I put up my FIRST one. But here's my little secret: if you're late enough you can be early.

So really, this isn't a ridiculously late BH11 post, it's another pre-BH12 post. Voila!

Part of it is that I’m just not a quick digester, I like to ruminate (sorry about the visceral image that metaphor may conjure up). And then there’s, you know, my crazy life. Oh, and did I mention I have ADD. Bad. Yeah, that might be part of it too.

Because I STARTED writing this post on the plane home from BlogHer11 in early August. Last August.

And now I'm finishing it the night before BlogHer 12 kicks off here in my own New York City. One whole year later. (Note to self: work on this ADD thing, OK? Sheesh!)

So....

First of all, I was THERE, at BlogHer11. (And at first I typo-ed that as “BlogHer111” and amused myself by thinking while fixing it, “no that’s not for another 100 years yet.” Now wouldn’t it be something if it were still going on then? Although what that would look like? What media will exist in 2111? I have no idea. So exponential is the rate of technological evolution and advancement at this point, it renders this inquiry mind-bogglingly unimaginable.)

Yes, I actually flew across the country and was immersed up to my elbows in all things Bloggy, at the biggest women’s blogging convention EVER. But, oddly enough, without either the physical or mental capacity to write anything. Oh, I made sure my SN Sibling Saturdays guest post went up (by putting in significant 2 AM time at the hotel’s rent-a-computers center). But other than that? Nada.

And then I came home to the then nine year-old twins, 24/7. And the Autism. And the ADD. And two weeks worth of everyone’s laundry. And I could go on, but I'll spare you.

So I went to BlogHer11, and yes it was terrific, in oh so many ways. I had many tales I could tell, especially about being STYLED by some wonderful ladies. Did I overindulge a bit, were those three days a little over-stuffed? Yes, you might say. But also deeply satisfying.  

And, as always it seems, some of the best parts were unplanned, the result of serendipity or gifts of circumstance; seemingly forced upon me by necessity, but bearing wonderful fruit.

Most importantly, if I could have afforded it, if I hadn’t been doing it on the way-cheap, on a budget of nearly nothing - early bird conference rate, frequent flyer miles airfare, all but one meal free, ridiculously cheap ride to/from airport, etc. etc.? I probably would have stayed in a room alone (a room to myself being a rare-to-never luxury in my life these days). And that would have been a tragedy of epic proportions.

Because, I? Ended up rooming with Royalty and a red-headed TV Star. Oh, yes.

I had booked my room way early FOR ONCE, instead of scrambling at the last minute (usual M.O.) and so I had a much desirable room at the actual conference hotel. I then, eventually (you didn't think I did EVERYTHING on time did you?) set about conjuring up a roommate.

And I got two: the Empress Alexandra of the blog Good Day Regular People, and the lovely Shari, she of the blog: Earth Mother Just Means I'm Dusty. Two very funny women.

Now, pretty much everyone seems to know that Alexandra is also known as "The Empress" due to the royal names of her children and her regal, generous personalty. Alexandra is a blogger much beloved on the internet, and was being wined and dined by many in San Diego, as she was a Voice of the Year speaker.

But did you also know that Shari, the amazing "Dusty" (aka her blog name) is also a reality TV star? Yes, beautiful and funny - what a combo - she recently had her kitchen done over for a reality TV show - and here's her v-log post about it. 

So a merrier band has ne’er been seen in all the world. Truly. We got along famously, like a house on fire. It was like the best parts of being college roommates (heart–to-heart discussions in PJs, honest & hilarious clothing & make-up consultations) without all the other crap (being 18 again and confused & insecure - shudder, shudder).

I had known Shari already in real life, both of us being local members of the sadly defunct Silicon Valley Moms Group Blog. We had bonded over being older moms together, and our love of all things New York City.

Alexandra I had known only online, and I was prepared for a connection, as we had been leaving insightful supportive comments on each others' posts, and tweeting away together for at least a year. But I had no idea how much it would be love at first sight. It was like we had been friends forever.

And she brought me & Shari each this wonderful pendant, just because we let her room with us:

On the back: Super Mom, Super Busy, Super Tired

They were the best roommates EVER. And did not hate me when my husband rang my cell phone at 3 AM local time, waking EVERYONE up, to ask where our son's lunch box might be. (Guess who usually does mornings with the boys?)
 
Last year, Alexandra was a VOTY reader and this year, Shari and I BOTH are. I think maybe some of Alexandra's sparkly magic, filled the room and cast its glow upon on us while we all slept.

I so look forward to seeing them both again this year, hugging them and riding off into the sunset together... or maybe just cruising the Expo hall in search of Dove bars and a good laugh.

My 3rd Annual Obligatory Pre-BlogHer Post or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Con

Well, I figured if I made the title long enough I wouldn't actually have to write much of a post. Doesn't work that way does it? No? I thought not.

Can't I just distract and dazzle you with photos of BlogHers past? 

Me & Jenny at BlogHer10

Can't I just recycle one of my pre-BlogHer posts from the past two years? My funny, irreverent one from last year -  NOT a BlogHer primer - or - Don't take advice from ME! that sort of was a primer?

Or how about the one from 2010 - Look, Ma, I'm going to BlogHer - wherein I told tales out of Sundance and other conferences from my old life?

No?

OK, so here it is:

BlogHer 2012, the biggest, baddest women's blogging conference in the world, coming back to my home town (NYC) and staring in less than two weeks. And I'm... really not thinking about it much. Too much else on my plate, right now. 

Which is completely ridiculous as this year IS a big deal, or rather it's the biggest deal I'm ever likely to experience at a BlogHer conference as I'm one of the 15 Voice of the Year readers.

That means getting up on the stage and reading in front of 4,000 or so fellow bloggers. (Well, the ones who aren't off at fancy private parties, or glued to their bar stools in the Hilton lounge downstairs, or still stuffing swag into their bags in the Expo Hall, that is.)

And have I bought new clothes, lost twenty pounds, had my front teeth fixed, had my hair professionally dyed and well cut? Um, that would be no. People are going to have to take me as I am, the imperfect semi-disheveled mom of my day-to-day life.

Have I filled out a planning spreadsheet, gotten myself invited to a thousand glittery private parties, set up all my meals with people I need to see? No again. There is just going to have to be a lot of serendipity involved this year.

I have bigger fish to fry.

(My Mother.)

I may even have to miss a part of the conference, as I can't spend five straight days without going to see and take care of my mother, wherever she may be at that point. (Her latest tentative release date from rehab is July 30th, and yet she can't go back to living on her own as she is, and I have no idea how this is going to work out.)

The one thing I am doing is praying hard for no major crisis in any part of my life on August 3rd. I really want to read.

So the shakeout of all this, is that I have neither the time nor inclination to be anxious about BlogHer this year. Not that I was much in other years either (see aforementioned posts, I really don't get the per-conference jitters) but it's possible the whole reading in front of 4000 other (mostly) women thing might have gotten me a little spooked.

But no, I'm just going to show up and... whatever whatever. Because the hamster running on the wheel in my brain is so completely burnt out right now, I have very little capacity for planning anything beyond my next moment. Other than, you know, making sure the kids are properly awakened/fed/medicated/lunch-made/backpack-packed/sunscreened/dropped-off/picked-up/dinner-fed/entertained/medicated/bathed/bedded.

And making sure that this will all still go on smoothly while I'm busy at BlogHer. Because even though I will be sleeping at home? I have warned the family that it is going to be LIKE I am away, so expect me to be completely MIA. But, ha!

Guaranteed I will be called back to duty for some minor emergency or other. (Yes, honey, I still remember that 6am YOUR time, but 3am MY time phone call last year to ask where Jake's lunch box might be kept.)

When I stop to think about it for a minute (pause, OK) I am actually very excited about meeting up with dear friends, old and new, distant and near. I can't wait to see my roommates from last year (The Empress) Alexandra and (Dusty Earth Mom) Shari.

Me with BH11 roomies Alexandra & Shari - the 3 Bloggeteers!

Last year Alexandra was a Voice of the Year reader, and this year, Shari and I BOTH are. We think maybe The Empress was our lucky charm. So if you want to be a reader next year, maybe you should go rub her belly for luck. (My dear Alexandra, if a bunch of women accost you next week, forgive me!)

I am also so excited about meeting up with my autism and other special needs parenting cohort at the Thursday Health Minders Day track for us, about taking care of ourselves as we take care of others. Hmmmm... needed much? (YES! YES! YES!) There are too many names to name here, but you know who you are, my peeps, and I can't WAIT to squeeee with you.

And then there's my Listen to Your Mother clan - both the New York performers & production team and my producing/directing counterparts from around the country. I can't wait to see them all, and especially our fearless leader, Ann Imig.

And if you're going to be at BlogHer, YOU should be sure to come to the Listen to Your Mother Open Mike Salon. It was a highlight of last year's BlogHer and promises to be even better this year!!!

I am also doing a stint hosting the Serenity Suite - come visit me there on Saturday from 12-1 and again from 4-5.

OK, looks like I'm actually getting scheduled up, going to be pretty busy there, after all. (Note to self: remember to make up Jake's thrice daily vitamin & medicine packs to last through next Sunday, TODAY!)

And? If you're at BlogHer and you're my friend?

Please come to the Friday afternoon keynote address and sit front and center, so I can see some familiar faces in that sea of humanity when I'm reading, just in case the nerves DO creep up on me. Okay? Thanks.

Have a happy BlogHer everyone!

p.s. If you get the homage reference in the title of this post: congratulations, you are either of my generation or a film buff.

Hopeful and Grateful and Honored

Yes, it IS the 10th of the month and for once I am actually on time with my post over at Hopeful Parents, where you will find me today, summing up what's been going on with my family lately while looking for things to be grateful for in all the insanity.

So go there and read: Things to be Grateful For


But I also wanted to take this moment to note something really lovely:

I have been chosen as a BlogHer Voice of the Year for 2012. And this year, I am not just an honoree but an actual speaker... Which means I will be READING my selected post in the big Friday evening Voices of the Year keynote address at this summer's BlogHer conference here in New York City on August 3rd.

I remember so well sitting in the audience, listening, rapt in 2010 and 2011; being moved to laughter and tears by so many wonderful, inspiring women and their work.

Last year, my dear friend and BlogHer roommate Alexandra (the Empress) was one of the readers, along with other bloggers, old and new to me, whose voices sang out into the room.

And now this year I, along with so many other wonderful women (and one rather wonderful man: instagram genius, Neil Kramer) will get to return the favor. I feel so honored and thrilled, beyond belief, over the moon. It's a blogging gal's dream come true.

So, if this is such big news, if it's so important, then why have I waited nearly 2 long weeks since the official announcement to tell you all about it? For the same reason everything in my life is deferred at the moment: I got the news while sitting by my mother's bedside in the hospital.

It was less than a week out from the fall, when she was still quite touch and go. The lone bright spot in my rather dark day, I thought "I must write a post about this!" but then it was quickly shoved to the back burner by more pressing issues surrounding my mother.

So I have finally grabbed THIS moment to tell you all. Because those pressing issues? They are not going away any time soon.

And the two sentence update on my mom: Today was yet another long up and down day with her. Mostly down, though by the end there was some peace, as she slept and slept.

SOC Sunday: Just. Write.

So, this week I actually got to hang out with the lovely Fadra - who runs & hosts this whole Stream of Consciousness Sunday shindig - at the BlogHer Writers Conference here in NYC.

How could I not do a SOCS post after that? Inconceivable! (Yes, I watched Princess Bride again with my kids last week. So you should hear that last word in your head being rendered by Wallace Shawn. With a lisp.) So here it is:

@@@@@@@

I spent all day Friday with my true tribe - writer/bloggers - at the first ever (hopefully becoming annual) BlogHer Writers conference. There was so much useful informatiuon and so many amazing conversations going on all day (and at the cocktail reception the evening before) that my brain feels about to explode.

And I am still digesting most of it. But if there is one message I took away from the conference? It was this:

JUST. FUCKING. WRITE.

And then? Re-write. And trash whatever is not wonderful (even if its 80%) and re-write again. Make it great.

And don't put ALL of it up on your blog. Because if you want to be published elsewhere, to SELL your words, it has to be new & fresh content. So you can't give it all away first.

Also? It helps to have an agent. As in, if you don't have one you are 99% of the time totally screwed. But also? If your writing is good? You will find an agent. When you are READY.

And being ready? means that you have followed the above directives and have an actual COMPLETED book in your hands when you contact them.

For fiction & memoir that is (memoir being narrative and sold / bought like fiction). For non-fiction you "just" need three sample chapters and a kick-ass book proposal.

ANd, to get the attention of an agent?  It helps to have credibility. A track record. Which means articles sold to magazines or stories / essays published in literary journals.

Hmmm, a lot more hard work and commitment than just spewing out a post and slapping it up on the old blog, huh?

Yup! (ANd yeah, other than these Sundays I don't usually just spew, I AM a change-the-word-ten-times-until-I've-got-the-one-I-like-best perfectionist writer. Guilty as charged.)

So I've got a lot to contemplate. Because the instant gratification of writing and posting, being my own publisher? Pretty intoxicating. Works for me so far.

But also? I have a book in me. a few books actually. And I'm thinking they want out....

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New to SOCS?  It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump.  Want to try it?  Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spell-checking. This is writing in the raw.

You can do it, too!  Click on the picture link and let's hear your 5 minutes of brilliance...

Looking for comments? To read or leave a comment, click on THIS post's title, or HERE, to bring you to the post's page view. Comments should appear below.

I was Styled At BlogHer!

On the pink carpet at the Style Suite Party

I love pretty things, I like color and style and find fashion fun. I fish the the NY Times styles section out of the recycle pile my husband has tossed it into and read it.
 
But I'm an autism mom, and let's face it: being fashionable is far, far from the center of my life right now. It's not even on the map.

So imagine my thrill when, based on my post Shape Shifting, I was chosen to be one of the moms rescued by the Moms Fashion File and given a make-over at BlogHer in the Secret Style Suite, and then sent out to walk the pink carpet at their lovely Style Suite Party.

The day was amazing.  I arrived at my appointed time and entered a lovely suite on the top of the Hard Rock Hotel, complete with terraces affording a great view of San Diego.

After warm greetings from my lovely, gracious hosts -- Andrea of SavvySassyMoms, Nicole of Momtrends, and Alison of Sassy Moms in the City -- we took a "before" shot:

Look, it's "the green dress"!

Then I was whisked into the room of many clothes, and I was fully outfitted:

 
First I was given a set of comfortable underwear from BALI intimates (no I'm not showing you me in THAT!)

And then, after a few false starts, the loveliest party dress just slipped onto my body and was clearly the one for me: this black lace over purple satin number from Kiyonna. The purple is subtle peeking out through the lace, but there.

Not the best pic of me - but don't look at me - look at The DRESS! The SHOES!

Shoes. What woman doesn't love shoes? And they were giving me a pair. Yay!

But? They wanted us in heels. I don't wear high high heels. I have some foot issues and also have trouble walking in them. Yet I was persuaded to try on these puppies from Dr. Scholl's (yes, I know I'm horribly pigeon toed, have been all my life, and so is Ethan).

And? People? They were comfortable, shockingly comfortable. And with a really cushioned footbed and I could (and did) walk in them and did not fall on my face once all evening. (Yay, me!)

Then I was accessorized with some very interesting jewelry by Stella & Dot including a fabulous bracelet (loaner only on the jewelry, sob).

Finally, we picked out a great matching purple bag (in vinyl for good karma) by Namaste Handbags.

And then it was time to glam me up. A daunting task if ever there was one....

My first stop was with celebrity makeup artist Tia Dantzler.

And she was a lovely, lovely woman. We chatted about our lives while she made a more glamorous version of me appear like magic.

Then? Hair! Everyone always wants to blow out my curls, and make my hair straight. Nope. They're a big part of my signature style, close to my identity. I am a curly-haired woman.

But once I'd said no to the blow, the talented women of Detour Salon did the next best thing - they tamed my curls, made them big and wavy, softer and without any frizz - magic I tell ya. OK, magic and a lot of time spent with curling irons.

See the difference?

Half done. Look at those amazing big curls on the right!

I still felt like me, but definitely a more fabulous me.

The hair at its best, before the day softened the transformation

Everyone commented on how lovely my hair looked when I went back to the conference for the afternoon sessions.

Me with fabulous hair and BH roomies Alexandra & Shari

Finally, I got my nails done by Ginny Cardenas, the force behind Scotch Naturals. This is very special nail polish. It's made from non-toxic ingredients, and it's actually good for your nails, instead of drying them out -- can you imagine?!

This woman, who created the product line and runs the company, has an amazing story and there is a whole post in that (which I will tell at some future point). But lets just say she is another mother with a mission, and I loved the time I spent with her while she graciously adorned my fingers AND toes (it having been determined that my sparkly blue toenails just MUST be transformed into purple to go better with the dress).

Done!

And then, to top it off, I was sent away with over-the-top amazing gift bag from Lands End: one of their wonderful canvas totes filled to the brim, including EVERYTHING I needed to take a dip in the hotel pool on Sunday.

(No, I did NOT swim on Saturday and ruin the amazing hair & make-up job. I even chose to forgo the cocktail cruise I had been invited to, figuring wind + hair = disaster. See I'm not a total beauty/fashion idiot.)

And then came evening. It was a lovely party (which I nearly didn't make it to, due to a stalled freight train cutting off the conference hotel from the rest of town for about an hour, but that's a $15 cab ride and another story). Food! Wine! Ice Cream!

 

And then, for the first (and probably only) time in my life... I was in a fashion show!

And I did NOT trip and fall on my face. And those shoes were still comfortable at the end of the evening, when I was back at the conference hotel, dancing my ass off at BlogHer's traditional late night Cheese BurgHer party... Amazing!

Many thanks to the party's sponsors: Plum District, Ciao Bella Gelato (num num num), Johnson's, Stokke, Trop 50 and Windows Phone for a lovely, lovely evening.  And thanks again to the lovely ladies who styled and beautified me, and most of all to the hostesses with the mostesses: Andrea, Nicole, and Alison.

You made this often dowdy fifty year-old mom feel fashionable and fabulous, and I'll never forget that. 


P.S.  I used to wonder why bloggers would list all the goodies they had received at their exclusive "invite only" events, as it felt like bragging. But now I understand, because I genuinely want to thank all the people who helped make this day possible. As I am feeling very grateful, I wanted to name the companies involved, and spotlight their generosity. So if you hate hearing about other people's swag, I apologize and ask for your understanding: for me it's all about the thanking.

P.P.S.  Deep apologies for how long it's taken to get this post out. My life exploded when I got back from BlogHer (I'm just unpacking now!) and then Hurricane Irene threw me for a big loop as I had to scramble to pick my autistic son up from his camp early and get back before the storm hit full force, so there went my planned writing time. And did I mention I have ADD and I just plain suck at deadlines? Yup. Sorry.


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It's (almost) my Birthday, and I'll post if I want to

My birthday is tomorrow, the 10th, but as I'm posting this so late at night, well, by the time you read it, it most certainly WILL be my birthday.

I can't really put up a birthday post on the 10th because that's my Hopeful Parents posting day, so all you will find on the 10th is my jumper post leading you to read me on the Hopeful Parents site. (Note to self: WRITE the damn HP post already, OK?)

And so I am posting though I don't have much to say. Or rather I have so much to say that it is an amorphous swirl in my brain, not coalescing into anything near brilliance anytime soon. And so I'm breaking all the rules here. Handing you a ruminating ramble today. Because it's (nearly) my birthday and I can do what I want to, right?

I am SUPPOSED to put up my fabu BlogHer11 recap post by today, or certainly tomorrow (not gonna happen) and I have also been told it is imperative to have something really wonderful, a strong post I'd prepared in advance to slap up on the old blog to wow folks that I met at the conference who are coming by to visit for the first time (also, clearly not happening).

What I am, mostly, right now, is a (by the time you're reading tihs) 51 year-old woman who is tired. Really really tired. Bone weary tired.

The BlogHer conference was wonderful and strange and so different from my day-to-day existance that now that I'm back in the thick of things it feels like a dream. One of those powerful dreams you mull over the next day in your waking state and want to write down the details of upon awakening so as not to lose the lessons therein; but a dream, nonetheless.

For four days I didn't have to think about what other people were wearing or eating or their bathroom habits. OK, maybe I had to THINK about it, as I did have 2 (wonderful) roommates who DID want me to eat with them and consult on outfits and we DID have to negotiate our showers so as to all be able to be on time. But I wasn't RESPONSIBLE for any of that for anyone but me.

So for four days I was off the hook of mothering responsibilities. And It. Was. Glorious. I could have been at the worst conference in the world, and I would have still been in heaven. But instead I was at a pretty terrific one. With some great people. In San Diego. California. On the West Coast. For the first time in nine years.

I love being a mother. I wouldn't trade that job in for anything. But it IS relentless and wearing me out sometimes. Especially the whole autism thing. I needed a break. And I didn't know how much I needed a break until I had one.

The problem is, this was a very busy, very intense break. And while it cleared my mind, it was four days of WORK in so many ways. Four days of being "on" all the time.

And so I came back needing a bit of rest, some down time, and instead found myself thrown back into full time mothering, as Ethan was already DONE with camp, and Jake's summer school ended with a half day today. And there is now a MONTH before the kids go back to school.

Yes, I said a month, because New York City has not fallen into lockstep with most of the rest of the nation and started sometime in August. A few days after Labor day it is then.

We'll be making the most of it, having fun in the city, trying to escape as often as we can. But still, looking down the barrel of a whole month is daunting. Especially when the kids don't get along. And they don't.

But I don't want to end this post on a whine, on a complaint, on the downside.

So I will say this: 51 years on this planet and most days I am still happy to greet the new day, eager to discover what it has in store for me.

I want my life to be like the Tardis, bigger on the inside, with ever expanding rooms for whatever I need. Like in one of those wonderful dreams where you go through a passageway to discover a whole new wing in your apartment you hadn't know existed before.

Some doors potentially opened at this conference, and I am looking forward to stepping through, walking into new territory, reclaiming parts of myself that are more than "just" Mom.

Because 51 is not too old to learn new tricks and I've got years ahead of me (hopefully) to dance on into. Anybody want to Rumba?



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(Thinking 'bout) BlogHer11: What a Difference a Year Makes

As I rush around in a whirlwind prepping for BlogHer11, I am feeling very aware of how different this all feels from last year. This is my second BlogHer conference. A milestone in a way.

Last year I really lucked out. BlogHer10 came to my hometown, New York City. If it hadn't come to me, I wouldn't have gone, I was still just at the fringes of this world. (Though for all the life of me I felt much deeper in.)

This year I am well aware of how new I still am at this, how I am still just feeling my way. I am in awe of some of the "old timers," deeply impressed their fortitude, the honing of their craft over many years. And at the same time I am feeling deeply connected, have a long list of virtual friends I am dying to see, committed to meet.

I am also deeply, spine tinglingly honored by having been chosen as a BlogHer Voice of the Year this year. (Honoree, not speaker. That exaltation belongs to my roommate, the marvelous Alexandra, the Empress of Good Day, Regular People)

(If you are new to The Squashed Bologna and want to know a little bit more about who I was last year at this time, you can peek in here at my pre-BlogHer10 post full of funny stories about my past conference life: Look, Ma, I'm going to BlogHer... with tales of Sundance, SXSW, and Toronto Film fests, including the story of how pregnant me nearly threw up on James Caan.

And also my very personal BlogHer10 debriefing post, here: The BlogHer10 reflections of a very. slow. newbie. blogger.)

In my book, milestones need marking, reflection. I marvel at the changes that have come about via my blog; the growth, transformation, both personal and "professional" in my life in this past year. And my blog has really evolved in this short spate.

Other things, of course, remain the same. Jake still autistic; I still have ADD; my home is still an unholy mess, one step away from being featured on Hoarders: the Apartment Stories. 

But? I can feel myself really becoming a writer. Stretching my wings. Oh, they're still wet and shiny new, somewhat untested. But wings, people. It feels kinda awesome.

This year I have found my tribes.

One is the tribe of writers at the wonderfully supportive virtual writers community that is The Red Dress Club. It took me a long time of reading and ruminating before I began to write to the prompts. There was resistance (I don't like "being told what to do"), but then?

I took risks, tried new things (fiction!) and in the end wrote some of my absolutely favorite posts to those prompts. (Want to read some of those? Try these: The Last Room, In my Grandmother's House, Cheryl, Sweat Memories or Breakers)

But the main thing there? The other writers and readers. It is a true community, one that I am proud to be a part of.

And the other tribe? The special needs parent bloggers, including the amazing Autism Moms and Dads. They are the core of why I need to go to this conference, the connection most vital. While I have always sought out other parents in a similar boat, having started the Special Needs Sibling Saturdays guest post series on my blog this past spring has extended my reach and knowledge of this amazing community.

I am thrilled and honored to host the incredible stories of their families that other bloggers are sharing there. And to get to meet so many of my guests at once this upcoming weekend? Beyond priceless.

The difference a year makes...

Last year I came home every night to my family (though they may have been sleeping when I arrived), woke up and breakfasted with them every morning. This year I am traveling across the country, for the first time since I was pregnant with the twins; traveling alone for five days, for the first time since I gave birth.

All this for me, who is always last on my priority list. But also for my family.

Because I am going to meet and exchange information with other special needs parents, to brainstorm up a better world for our families.

Because I am going to try to learn how to turn my writing into something I can make money at. Because I need to begin to return to the world of work soon, and if I can find a way to earn a living doing what I love and do best? My world will swing into a better balance, and my whole family will be the better for it.

And even though I will surely be up all night tonight -- packing, planning, writing out lists of what my children need to be doing each day; the wheres and whens, the thousand things I take care of unconsciously, routinely that need to be spelled out for others (because while Ethan can - and WILL - tell people what they are doing right and wrong for him, Jake as yet cannot, and so it is up to me to make sure his world continues on as he needs it to, while I am gone) -- I know I will arrive in San Diego grinning from ear to ear.

Ready to learn.

Ready to connect.

Ready to meet my tribes.

Writers, over-sharers, special needs parents.

Bloggers all. My people. Yes.


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NOT a BlogHer primer - or - Don't take advice from ME!

OK, so this IS kind of a BlogHer primer, but I'm warning you: don't be relying on me for practical advice!*  

My good bloggy friend Alexandra (The Empress) is going to be one of my roomies at BlogHer. (Yay!) As it's her very first conference, she's feeling a bit nervous and anxious (though, of course in a very funny way on her blog).

Since she knows I was at BlogHer last year, she has asked me for advice & reassurance. Ruh, roh.

Now, while I rarely lecture here on my blog, if you know me at all in "real life," you'll know I'm a big old know-it-all. I love, love, LOVE to give advice, often unasked for, and whether I have actual expertise in the matter or not.

Yes, I really have to bite my tongue to make myself stop when I sense my generously shared wisdom is unwelcome. (You should see me around an autistic kid whose parents are clearly clueless and clearly do NOT want to know. I actually twitch from the effort to keep my big mouth shut.)

And this time I have been ASKED for advice, whoopeeee! Permission to blather on granted! And so instead of just sending my wonderful friend an e-mail (which I also have, since it seemed impolite to make her wait) I have decide to share my garnered wisdom with all of lucky you.

I mean, everyone who is anyone in the bloggosphere is offering their take on how to prepare for BlogHer to the nervous newbie, and so I figure I'd better follow suit. It's pretty much REQUIRED, at this point. And I always do as I'm told. (snort)

The problem here is: I don't really know how to properly advise a BlogHer newbie, having never *quite* been in those shoes myself.

For you see, even though last year was my first BlogHer ever, and even though I'd only been blogging 6 short months when I went? I wasn't actually a nervous newbie. Not at all, not by a long shot. (In fact I wrote a post about THAT last year & you can read it here: Look, Ma, I'm going to BlogHer)

In a nutshell, I am so un-nervous about these things because in my prior-to-parenting, prior-to-blogging life? I was in the media business (film/tv/video/music publishing) and went to and also worked at a lot of conferences.

So my advice is probably useless to you if you are quaking in your boots about being at a conference with 2,950 really nice women who want to meet and connect with you. (And, yes, about 50 competitive, nasty, narcissistic jerks.)

My best advice: ignore the 50 jerks. That's really all you have to do, and you'll have a great time.

My other main advice to you, even if you've never been to conference before in your life is: Don't Panic.

Also (get ready for it): Be friendly. Make plans, but be receptive to serendipity.

That last bit is the big one. (And kind of covers everything.)

I showed up at the Toronto film festival not knowing a soul, and ended up at a wild party with a bunch of Icelandic filmmakers, at dinner with Agnes Varda, at an amazing event at the Shoe Museum...  all because I talked to the people who stood next to me on lines, and said "yes" to everyone who asked if I wanted to come with them to do something.

And THAT was at a snooty film festival filled with narcissistic posers.

And THIS? Is BlogHer we're talking about... basically just a big ol' family reunion! These people are OUR TRIBE, remember?

Actually it's even better than a family reunion because no one has generations-old grudges they are holding, and hidden agendas, and they don't care who mother always favored or who was seated at a "bad table" at your cousin Susie's wedding.

No one has come to judge you or make fun of your shoes. Everyone wants to connect, to revel in being with others who understand why we feel compelled to turn our lives into prose and blast it out into the bloggosphere. We are family! (And how many more cliche catch phrases from books, songs & TV can I slip into this one post?  Let me work on it.)

Also? I know some of you are nervous about the travel itself, having never flown alone into a city you don't know.

OK, you may not have done THAT, but you have been in an airport and flown before with your family, right? OK, same thing, but this time there's no one else's nose you need to wipe - a win!

If no to that one... well, you've seen airports in the movies and TV, right?  And unlike in those shows, no one is trying to hunt you down and shoot you, honest.

Also? Airplanes?  Just buses with staler air; buses that fly in the sky. And airports? Train stations with tighter security, more expensive food, and MUCH better shopping. Really. Mostly, they are BORING and you will spend much time sitting around in them, so bring a good book or two.

And sit right by your gate from an hour before departure on. Really.

Because I *might* have once been so engrossed by a book I was reading in a quiet little spot a bit far away from that pesky, noisy gate that I nearly missed my fight, had to beg them to NOT shut the gangway door in my face.

And finally, because SOMEONE should learn from my past mistakes (and it's certainly not going to be me):

DO remember to pack underwear.

And? Good Luck!

* If your really want some wonderful, practical help-you-plan-for-your-first-BlogHer advice? Or even just someone else's take on the whole thing? Go read these great posts from these wonderful bloggers:

Try BlogHer Bound: San Diego, Here We Come from Mo of One Ping Only or this funny one, How to Prepare for BlogHer from Sherri of Old Tweener. Gigi from Kludgy Mom offers this advice for quelling your anxiety: Get Over It (and have fun).

And if you're stressing over whether or not private party invites have been arriving in your inbox? Read this: The Private Party Predicament at BlogHer at 5 Minutes for Mom.


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Busses, Trains, and Automobiles (plus Subway) on Mothers Day

Me and Mom, December 2010

Everybody I know is a mother or had a mother, so....

I hope you had a Happy Mothers Day, everyone!

My gift from my family for Mothers Day? A weekend away from them. Really. My first actual break in eight and a half years.

(Remember what happened the LAST time I tried to get away for a weekend?)

So I went to Bloggy Boot Camp in Boston (to you civilians, that's a women bloggers conference run by the wonderful SITS Girls) and had a great time, learned a ton.

I am still processing it all, and not ready to write about the conference content in detail here yet, but let's just say it was an enjoyable success both educationally and socially.

I met, ate good food, and drank good wine with many marvelous women there, some of whom I actually already knew IRL, some of whom I had known only in the e-space and was confirming they were actual corporeal beings, and some of whom were completely new connections.

At about 150 people (148 women and 2 men, I think) the conference was just the right size, not too overwhelming (though I also rather enjoyed the massive BlogHer conference last summer, too, it was just a different type of experience).

I left Friday morning, and Ethan sent me off in style, requesting and giving me a "Hug that will last three days!" as I bade him goodbye in the schoolyard at drop-off.

I drove up from New York with two lovely blog buddies (Holly, the Culture Mom and La Mere Joie) I had hung out with a little bit before, but happily got a chance to talk to and get to know in further depth on the five hour trip (four driving, one in a Connecticut diner -- we're all Jewish gals, we don't go too long without a feed and caffeination break).

I spent the first night at the conference hotel with a great roomie, another terrific NY area blogger I had been wanting more face time with, Anna from Random Handprints.

Then after a wonderful, chock filled conference -- including sneaking out to spend a WAY too short 45 minutes at the hotel bar with two sister Autism bloggers I had been dying to meet IRL who were not at the conference: Bostonian Alysia of Try Defying Gravity and the Spectrummy Mummy  (who had flown up from the DC area for the day) -- I was off to Lowell to spend the night with my cousin Annette and her lovely family.

I was catching an 8 PM train to Lowell. North Station is right under the Boston Garden, where the Celtics play. There was a Celtics game that night. At 8. And there had been a Red Sox game that afternoon.

I was given plenty of examples to help me remember why they call (a certain type of testosterone-and-beer fueled) Boston sports fans "Massholes."

My time in Lowell? Pure family-bonding delight.

And my twelve year old, about-to-be-Bat Mitzvahed niece? Made us a wonderful Mother's Day breakfast including pancakes and home-made strawberry coulis. She is thinking of starting her own foodie blog and I am greatly encouraging her. (Hear that, Greta? Do it!)

The interesting thing about the weekend? I spent a significant portion of it traveling. I took a cab to the commuter train to the 'burbs to meet my ride up. Then the mini-van drive to Boston.

From Boston it was a cab to the commuter-rail train to Lowell, where I was picked up by my cousin's husband and driven to their house. Then back to the Lowell train station (Twice! I missed my first train by 2 minutes, don't ask!) for a commuter-rail ride back to Boston.

And a cab ride from Boston's North Station to South Station where I caught my Peter Pan bus home with 2 minutes to spare. (Yes, bus, because $25 vs. $128 for Amtrak? No contest.) And then NYC subway back to the Upper West Side.

And I discovered: when traveling alone, without the kids, I am just Miss Laid-back-whatever-pants these days. Hours upon hours on the road, delays, traffic, detours, missed connections... ho, hum, no adrenaline necessary.

Because I can eat or read or nap or noodle around on my Droid to my heart's content with no one to bother me, thinking about no one but myself.

And THAT is a real vacation for me.

So thanks, family, for that amazing Mother's Day gift. And for all the kisses and hugs I received upon my return at bedtime Sunday night.

I hope you all had a lovely one, too!



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