Sorry folks, I know this is not going to be the world's most pleasant stream of consciousness post when the phrase that pops right into my head as soon as I sit down to write is:
Because that's my theme song these days. As in: when asked how I am and I give a lukewarm "OK, I guess" and then am pressed for details and there's no one thing I can name, no BAD EVENT, it's just..."cumulative stress."
As in: I just tweeted "Cumulative stress has just worn me down to a nubbin."
As in: 8 years of living with autism = 8 years of cumulative stress.
And yes, I got away last weekend and it was lovely but it was 2 and a half days. and even though I was away? I was still the one in charge of my kids - I got 10 calls a day, had to track down a playdate connection, had to keep popping out of my seminar to make sure that my babysitter and my friend's babysitter had figured out how to hook up.
Had to plan all the meals and spend hours before I left doing Jake's vitamin pours, so while my body had a break, my brain was still at least a little bit hooked in to the family the whole time.
And so there is no such thing as a 100% break for me, because at eight and a half years old, Jacob is still, essentially, a 3 year old. He must be watched and cared for; cannot yet explain what he wants and doesn't want clearly enough, cannot advocate for himself effectively in any meaningful way.
Ethan? I could walk away from for a whole weekend and beside two or three "I love you" phone calls, i know he'll be fine. I had set up playdates, including a sleepover. I knew he would inform his Dad or whoever else was looking out for him at that moment what and when he eats, etc. etc.
But Jacob? Still needs the tending and THINKING FOR a young child needs. and 8 and a half years of that has... worn me down to a nubbin.
I feel i can;t think clearly, I know my mind is running more circularly than it should. I need a REAL break, a complete vacation.
I want my old brain back, the sharp one I had before I had children, before I turned 50 and stopped sleeping.
sorry for my umpteenth whiny rant. But that's the consciousness that streams forth from me right now.
Hope your weekend was sunnier.
I originally wanted to call this post "Attempting to pull my head out of my own ass" but figured the good-taste police would come get me. And then I was going to call it "Have you Seen My Brain?" but that was just too cute. So then I just said "screw it" to the witty title search, went with the basics.
Also I have a FUNNY POST all set to go up tomorrow. Really. I promise it won't be all whiny rants, so come back tomorrow, don't give up on me, OK?
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