Slogging Towards Grateful

If asked what words come first to mind about my state these days?

Grateful would not be at the top of the list. Probably not even on the first page.

I'm feeling mostly cranky and overwhelmed again; stress-eating everything in sight and barely sleeping. In a word: swamped. In the muck, stuck.

But also, the tedium of hashing and rehashing that all out again here, serving up a steaming plate of my refried misery for you? Done. Overdone.

I want to be moving on.

Aren't I always yammering on to Ethan about how happiness hangs upon the scales of gratitude not possession?

Time to practice what I preach.

So I will count my blessings instead of listing off my grievances today. (Even though they are many -- chief among them the story of how the hospital tried hard to kill off my mother, the full tale of which will be told when I can do so without being overcome by blind rage.)

Things I am Grateful for:

This week a number of my sons' friends have had step throat -- I am so glad we don't have that here (yet).

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Last week a dear friend's father died quite suddenly, out of the clear blue, while she was traveling with him in India. He was young, vibrant, vital still - 70 - and it was quite a shock to her.

I am so glad that I got to say goodbye to my father, that I got to see him live out the full spate of his years. Even though those last months were so dreadful, we had completed our leave-taking with each other. We had no unfinished business. I am deeply grateful for this.

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For the past two and a half weeks my mother has been in hospital and rehab unit beds, not her own. Unmoored and unhappy, isolated, alone and often confused when I could not be there (and I could not be there every minute, my children needed me, too.)

I am overwhelmingly grateful that she is finally back home, reconnecting with her life.

The whole staff of her assisted living community sought me out to tell me how glad they were to have her back, how much they had missed her. Her friends have brought her flowers, come to visit. 

The three musketeers will ride again!

I am so grateful that her home is a HOME - full of love and comfort.

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I spent most of the day at my mother's trying to sort out the support services for her continued recovery and reintegration and the tangle of medications added & adjusted during her hospital stay.

But tonight? Thanks to a friend for lending a babysitter, my husband and I got to go out on a much needed date, the first in a long time (family and work events don't count).

I am grateful for the simple joys of sharing a movie and some sushi with the man I love.

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Finally: in the past two years Ethan has chosen to be an obscure Pokemon for Halloween. This required MAJOR costume creation efforts from me with MUCH sewing involved. We're talking ears and tails here, people.

This year's costume, while equally elaborate has mostly involved acquisition and ASSEMBLY and not much in the way of sewing.

So I am very, very grateful for the lack of a TAIL in this year's Halloween costume. (And that elf ears can be BOUGHT ready-made on the internet.)

2009 - Lucario - TAIL

2010 - Electabuzz - TAIL

2011 - Link - NO TAIL!

Feeling righteously full of my Grateful now, it's off to bed... busy weekend coming up, so g'night all! (I still have a shield to paint before Monday.)

I'm linking this post up to Maxabella's I'm grateful for... FINALLY.


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Half-Birthday

Today is my boys' half-birthday. Remember celebrating half-birthdays?  It seems to work only when you're still in the single digits, like my guys.

Eight and a half, today.  How did that happen?  One more birthday on this side of the fence, and then after that they're into the double digits.  Big boys.  Blink, blink. 

They were summer babies, and to think of their birthday is to think of late July's deep heat.

Jacob & Ethan, 1 day old

Not a bad thought today, as the mercury hovers just around the freezing point and we may be expecting a bit more snow later this afternoon.

Our car, street parked in New York City?  Is not currently a vehicle, but rather a vaguely car-shaped snowbank.  Plow-piled snow encases our car up to the windows plus the 19 fresh inches sit atop the roof like so much white fluffy frosting.

Frosting... that gets me to thinking... of cakes in general, and then birthday cakes in particular.  Which draws us right back round again to the matter at hand: boys and half-birthdays, half-birthdays and boys.

So maybe I should take my cue from the above, combat a case of the mid-winter blues, cheer myself up, inspired by all this birthday and cake talk, and herewith take you on a photographic tour down birthday memory lane via my ONE claim to domestic awesomeness: my amazing mommy-made birthday cakes:

In the beginning were cupcakes for birthdays one and two. Easy to make, no big knives need be left laying around curious toddlers with swift, fat, grabby fingers.  And?  They didn't know any better, what was important was the eating of them.

But then they turned three, and had seen birthday cakes in books and on TV.   Beautiful, decorated cakes.  And Ethan pounced, begged, made specific demands requests.

So it all began in 2005, when the boys were Thomas the Tank Engine obsessed 3 year-olds.  Ethan had asked for a James cake, as his then love of the color red extended to all things, including trains.  And I knew that for Jacob, who still yet did not always make his desires known, Thomas, the main character was the right choice.

Since I was making two cakes, and not everyone loves chocolate (although that makes no sense to Ethan who believes non-chocolate deserts have no reason to live), I made one cake, Ethan's, chocolate and the other, Jacob's, vanilla.

I pulled out the boys Thomas placements, and painstakingly copied the illustrations onto the cakes:

2005: My FIRST cake - Thomas for Jacob

As Ethan's chocolate frosting was so dark, problem solving how to write a legible "Happy Birthday" in the requested blue gel inspired the bug puffy steam cloud coming out of the smokestack, possibly my favorite part.

2005: James the red engine for Ethan

I wasn't sure I could pull it off, had never attempted anything quite like this before.  I dove in, in pure experimental mode, and... I succeeded, damn it!  The problem here being: once you do this well, once?  It becomes expected every year.  And I'm supposed to improve, too, to top myself, as it were.

OK, 2006: Once again, one chocolate, one not.  Lemon-vanilla, this time.  Also?  This was the first year Jacob was on his special Gluten Free/Casein Free diet.  So I had to find a really good vanilla GF/CF cake mix and make a practice cake before I inflicted it upon the masses.

I was, once again, taking design requests.  And this year I figured out that printing out simple line-drawing coloring pages found online was the best way to create a "pattern" for my decorating. 

So, four year-old Jacob was in love with Pingu the penguin:

2006: Pingu for Jake

While Ethan at four showed considerable loyalty to his father as his nascent superhero obsession erupted.  He chose Spider-man:

2006: Spidey for Ethan

Spider-main turned out a little lumpier than he was supposed to be, but within tolerable limits, I think.

And in 2007?  Cars, baby!  Jake was in love, I mean IN LOVE with Mac, the big Mac truck who is Lightning's best friend:

2007: Mac for Jake

Ethan wanted 5 cars  on his, which I nixed, but did acquiesce (after much begging) to a 2 car road scene tableau, from above, with a Route 66 logo.  I'm a sucker, what can I say:

2007 for Ethan: Route 66

I can admit, this was not my best effort.  It was late, I was getting tired.  In an ideal world, I would have filled in more green at the side of the road instead of just that lame lone squiggle.  Oh, well, it was devoured and enjoyed, just the same.

In 2008 I discovered the existence of Wilton shaped cake pans.  Who knew?  Learning about these was a revelation.  There was still a fuck-ton of work involved, but at least I didn't have to research the design.  Just E-bay the pans.  (You didn't think my kids wanted any of the current, easy to obtain designs, did you?  My kids?)

Once again the current superhero obsessions ruled: Batman for Jake and Power Ranger for Ethan. Jake's Batman cake was orange vanilla flavored and really delicious, no one would ever guess it was GF/CF unless they knew:

2008: Jake loved Batman

2008: Ethan was all about the Power Rangers

Ethan had directed me in the color choice for the Power Ranger's costume.  I bit my lip and restrained myself from sharing with him that making the Ranger sleeve's trim into a pink and green argyle made me refer to this one as "Buffy the Connecticut Wasp Power Ranger" in my mind. 

In 2009, I had some serious fun.  Ethan had switched allegiances from the Bakugan to the Pokemon Japanimation tribe just before his birthday, and decided to "make it easy for you, Mom" by requesting a simple Pokeball design, as opposed to an elaborate character re-creation.

May I present the Pokeball cake: simple, elegant, nearly modernistic:

2009: Ethan gets a Pokeball

Jake, on the other hand, got his most elaborate cake to date in 2009.   

That summer he was a bit obsessed with the very hungry caterpillar character from the self named Eric Carle storybook.  His class had performed a stirring reading of this story at their graduation & moving up ceremony in June.

One day in June I had ducked into a Williams Sonoma store when a torrential rain suddenly came down upon me while waiting for the crosstown bus.  What was in the sale bin, but a shaped caterpillar cakelet pan, and the inspiration struck:

2009: A Very Hungry Caterpillar for Jacob

2009: Close up of the head cakelet

I had so much fun making this.  My little addition: I doubled the body pieces to make him really long.  Also?  I am very fond of my embellishments: the green colored sugar crusted over green frosting to make the eyes sparkle and then the grape twizzler antennae. (The mold was for a generic caterpillar with a different face. I turned him into Eric Carle's specific caterpillar.)

Which brings us up to the present. This past year, 2010, was the boys' year of Pokemon. A shaped cake pan Pikachu (thank you Wilton) for Jacob, whose favorite color progressed to yellow this summer:

2010: Pikachu for Jake

And for Ethan?  I think I outdid myself this past year.  He initially wanted some particularly complex and difficult to draw Pokemon, but we finally settled on this guy, Lapras, who seemed actually do-able.  I think I did a pretty damn good job re-creating him, using, once again, a computer coloring page pattern:

2010: Lapras for Ethan

OK, here's the Lapras, image I used, you be the judge:

Whew!

And now, in hindsight (because when have I ever NOT over-thought things), I realize that while I had thought I was doing this particular post to bring a little summer cheer into the winter gray, I also see, as this rolls along, that I had ulterior motives (when do I ever not, isn't there always a secondary agenda floating along under the overt... or is that just me?)*

I think I needed to remind myself, to prove to you all, that there's some things in life at which I do not, actually, completely suck.  Because lately?  I've been feeling pretty sucktastic, especially when it comes to the state of my messy home and all things domestic.  Sigh.

And maybe it's just the inevitable post-operative depression talking (I had been warned it might set in at about 3 weeks when the physical was mostly healed but I was not yet back to 100%).   But anyway, here it is: my house may be an absolute disaster, but there is something domestic at which I am fairly glorious.  So take that!

Also, before you go suggesting I do something like this for a living?  No, no and no.  These take me FOREVER.  I love doing this for my kids, they are a labor of love, and shall remain that way.  Once a year.  My kids only.  Probably my grand-kids (way) down the road.

And now I'm off to make a special half-birthday lunch for my dear boys.  Tomorrow they will be closer to nine, one day closer to being claimed fully by the world.  Today they are still eight and a half, still mine.

*another example of how I have legitimately earned my crown as "Queen of the Run-on Sentence  (with parenthetical clauses).


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Wordless Wednesday: Halloween Now & Then

Halloween 2010 - My tough guys

I know I promised more scan-madness, and hate to disappoint, but could not for the life of me find those Halloween pictures from my childhood that I KNOW exist somewhere.  Damn, I know you were dying to see me as a 6 year-old fairy with saran wrap over bent coat-hanger wings. (Did I mention that my childhood costumes were always lovingly handmade by my parents?) Next year for sure.

So for now the "then" is going to have to be a more recent then... my kids' Halloweens through time:

For their first Halloween, the boys were three months old and I was a wee bit tired.

Jake the Carrot & Ethan the Pea-pod, Halloween 2002

Poor Ethan is horrified that he was once a GREEN VEGETABLE for Halloween.  Very scary.

When they were one, we did our first (and only) whole family matching costume thing. May I present THE WIGGLES:

A very Wiggly family, Halloween, 2003

Boy, was that cheap and easy, and once I peeled the stickers off the shirts, we could all just keep wearing them as regular shirts. SCORE.

Then at two we discovered Teletubbies. And really cheap Teletubby costumes on deep sale on October 30th. They were size 4-7, but I figured, we'll have them for years.

Ethan as Po and Jake as Dipsy, Halloween 2004

Ethan is now mortified that he was Po, a GIRL Teletubby.  But at the time red was his favorite color.  In fact from age 2 to 3, it was the ONLY color he would wear.  But that's another long story for another time.

When the boys were three, Jacob decided he didn't want a costume, was unhappy with the idea, so we just put him in his orange and black striped PJs, drew on his face a little bit and called him a tiger. Worked for him.

Jake tolerating a hug from his brother, Halloween 2005

And Ethan went with a different Teletubby - Lala. Yes, I had bought all four Teletubbies the year before. They were on sale. And we wore them as dress-up for years. And now our friends kids wear them.

Ethan as Lala, Halloween 2005

Shhh don't tell Ethan that Lala is a girl, too.

At four Ethan discovered superheros in general and Spider-Man in particular.  Naturally.  No more Teletubbies for him.  Jacob was happy to stay in Teletubby-land.  This time it was HIS turn to be Lala.

That's Ethan in there, Halloween 2006

Jake rocks Lala, Halloween 2006

At five: Ethan, much to my relief, was happy to be Spider-Man again. (YES!) and for Jacob... James the Red Engine.  But you'll have to take my word for it, because I cannot find any photos from Halloween 2007.  Major mom fail. I'm sure they will turn up someday. Besides, the kids will need something to talk about in therapy.

At six it was all Power Rangers all the time in our house, so naturally, may I present:

Jacob the Red Tiger Jungle Fury Ranger & Ethan the White Rhino Jungle Fury Ranger, 2008

That was the easiest year by far, two store-bought costumes, easily obtained. Sigh.

Last year, at seven, Jacob was easy again... his store-bought Batman costume made him deliriously happy. (I know he doesn't look it in this picture, but trust me, he was, it was just not my most stellar year for photos)

Jacob as Batman, Halloween, 2009

Ethan, on the other hand, had entered the world of Pokemon-madness and could not be talked out of wanting to be Lucario, an obscure Pokemon that there was no ready-made costume available for on this earth. (Believe me, I looked.) So I made it myself:

Ethan is the Pokemon Lucario, Halloween 2009

I didn't know if I could pull it off, but I gamely tried. 

The "real" Lucario

Ethan Showing off his tail

Ethan showing off his 'tude

Not too shabby, if I may say so myself.

This year, the price of my success in creating Lucario so well last year was not Ethan getting a second year's wear out of it as promised last October, but my being talked into making yet another Pokemon from scratch.  So meet Electabuzz, an electric Pokemon from the Kanto region (if you care to know):

Ethan as Electabuzz, Halloween 2010

The secret to these things is finding the right colored hoodie sweatshirt & sweatpants for the "base", by the way.  And then, of course it helps to be a crazy person, and be willing to cut, sew and glue for hours on end.  A black sharpie comes in handy, too.

Ethan and his tail

Jacob, once again was sublimely content with a cheap, shoddy, nylon, store-bought, already disintegrating costume, thank GOD. This year's superhero: Iron Man!

That's my sweet Jake in there, somewhere

And this year for the first time since 2003, I dressed up, too. A witch you see, to match my mood these days:

Me and Jake, Halloween 2010

And at the end of the day, we were tired.

Big hugs for the big Daddy

One very tired Iron Man

That's all folks!  Hope your Halloween was happy.  Now, where's that last Almond Joy stashed?


I’m linking up to Wordless Wednesday at Angry Julie Monday.
I'm also linked to Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.

Linkety link link, whoohoooo. (Sorry, got a little carried away with myself there. It's OK, I've got it under control now. Really. You can go home, you don't have to worry about me. I'm going to step away from the computer now. Promise.)

How I Survived Halloween...

Halloween 2010

I love this post title, but I have a confession to make: I don't have much at all in the way of an exciting, dramatic story to back it up.  Because the conclusion of that sentence is the very boring "...by laying low."

And I feel really disappointed in Halloween this year, mostly in myself.  We didn't go out into the world this year, not even for 10 minutes.  We stayed home.

Now, when I say "stayed home" I mean we went to the fabulous party our big kid-filled apartment building throws in the lobby every year.  

Halloween Party, 2010

And the kids trick-or-treated inside the building in full regalia, and a friend with her twins joined us.  Ethan went to the upstairs neighbors apartment in the afternoon to help them decorate their back door landing (where the trick-or-treaters come for candy).

And we did step outside.

We stood right in front of our building for two minutes so I could take pictures.  But Ethan was, shall we say, less than thrilled as he was anxious to get back inside; champing at the bit to get the trick-or-treating candy acquisition process started.

Ethan as Electabuzz (Pokemon) and Jake as Ironman

Jake on the other hand?  Really getting into character.  Maybe a little bit TOO into character.

Talk to the Iron Hand

But really, THIS year?  This was kind of lame.  Because this year Halloween fell on a Sunday.  That meant the city in general, and our kid-filled, kid-oriented, kid-friendly Upper West Side neighborhood in particular was Halloween-crazy and it would have been a blast to go out with the kids up to Broadway where all the stores were giving out candy and the sidewalks looked like a chaotically organized Halloween parade.

If you want to get a sense of how fabulous Halloween on the Upper West Side in NYC can be?  Read my friend Sandra's post about it here.  She and her family did it up righteous proper this year, her first in New York City.

In past years we have always joined in the Halloween party at Riverside Park's Hippo Playground.  It begins with a procession down the hill from the Soldiers and Sailors Monument into the park, lead by bagpipes. Then inside the playground there is more bagpiping and free donuts and cider.

Ethan the White Rhino Power Ranger and bagpiper, Halloween 2008

Jacob the Red Power Ranger comparing notes with fellow super heroes, Halloween, 2008

But that lovely mini-parade and party?  Is for little kids.  We squeezed in one final hurrah last year.  But this year, the kids are too big and that event is now deemed "for babies. "  Sigh.  Growing up they are.  (Yes, I'm channeling my inner Yoda in the syntax department. Wanna make something of it?)

We had planned to go out and about in the city as a family; trick-or-treat on Broadway, visit some or those fabulous, famous, blocked-off Halloween Block Party blocks, maybe meet up with some friends.  But my husband wasn't feeling well, and is not a crowd person on his best days.  And I just couldn't face managing an over-excited  Jacob and the Ethan/Jacob dynamic in a crazy crowded scene alone.  Other times I might have been game, but this year, right now?  I am just managing to stay afloat on ordinary days, so no, I took a pass on that one.

Also?  Ethan's home made costume was MUCH more time consuming to make than I had counted on, and I was still finishing and finishing, and finishing, and finishing until rather late in the day (and I never did get to the last finishing touch, sewing the little round antenna things on). But he was very pleased with the results, so I think it was well worth the effort.

Electabuzz Pokemon

Electabuzz Ethan

At least our building does host a lovely party.

Jake loved this tree

It helps that it is full of family-size apartments and actual families with lots and lots of kids of all ages.  I remember when our kids were the youngest, newest members of the gang, and now they're firmly in the middle of the pack.

Then:

My little carrot and pea-pod, First Halloween, 2002

And now:

Candy-mouthed Electabuzz Ethan in conversation with a butterfly, Halloween 2010

 There is food: pizza and yummy sweets, ghoulish goodies aplenty

gives new meaning to the term "finger food"

And did I mention what they do with the elevators?  I forgot to photograph the elevators this year (doh!) but here's what they looked like in years past:

Vampire elevator operator, Halloween 2008

E & J hanging out in the haunted elevator with friends, Halloween 2006

Now imagine without the flash, with only a spooky black light on in the elevator...  Like I said, our building?  Halloweenly Awesome. 

So I kept thinking: "We'll do the big hullabaloo next year."  But then, only after it was all over, I realized that next year Halloween will fall on a Monday,  a regular work day.  And while there will be merriment, it won't be an all day affair, it won't be that magic Halloween weekend thing.  Not for another five years.  And in 2015?  The boys will be 13.  They will have been (god willing) Bar Mitzvahed already.  Too old to be swept up in the kiddie magic of Halloween.

Now, Jacob, due to the naivete and innocence that is one of the gifts of autism, will probably still be into the costume and candy excitement.  He really loves his Halloween:

Jake dancing with one of our building's resident Halloween Ghosts

But Ethan? 

Ethan showing off his massive 'tude

Likely to be too cool to play the fool.  But you never know.  It could happen.

Since a good time was had by all, I'm probably being too hard on myself.  I should just chillax.  A Twix Bar stolen from Ethan's candy bucket should do the trick... now where did I hide that thing?