Of Years Old and New

It's been forever...

Dozens of posts started and abandoned, written in my head, in the shower, never making it to screen or paper...

I can't say "I'm back!" Because I don't know if I'll be able to do this again tomorrow...

But I'm here today.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year, indeed.

Telling you that I want to write again, that I need to...

That I feel diminished in the not writing, that I miss my voice, too. (Thank you so much to all who have written words of encouragement whenever I have chanced to scratch out a post, these past desert-dry months.)

This has been a tough year.

In a little over two weeks, it will be exactly one year since I lost my mother. (January 17th, to be precise.)

It feels like both yesterday and forever ago that I held her hand, watched her die, wept my goodbye.

I have been treading lightly on this earth ever since, simultaneously here and not here,  Gratefully bound by love and obligation to those, my family (sons, husband, cat), whose need for my presence keeps me tethered in the now, I am nonetheless also floating in the ether, stretching out my open, empty hand toward my mother who keeps drifting farther beyond, never again to reach back and claim it.

I know I need to return, fully, to my life; that this dual, quantum existence cannot spin on indefinitely. I am a paler reflection of my old, colorful self and my family deserves more. I deserve more.

And yet I also know this mourning is a process that I need to go through to come out the other side. There is no around. No shortcut. No easy out. Only through.

I am hoping the year's anniversary will spiral me upward, into a higher orbit, the next stage of mourning that spins me out toward the future.

~*~*~

Tonight I gave away my mother's beanie babies.  A woman of normally impeccable, modern, sophisticated taste, she nonetheless had a soft spot for stuffed animals in general, and beanie babies in particular. She thought them "cute" and had amassed quite a collection of them before, I believe, my father threatened (idly) to divorce her if she purchased any more.

In the many downsizing moves I had boxed them up, except for a few that followed her into the nursing home - a beanie cat perched here, a flamingo there - on her paltry few furnishings.

I don't really want them (except for her favorite cat and flamingo) and yet could not bear to throw them out, so they became yet another box cluttering up our overstuffed apartment, the belongings of the dead commingled with the living.

And then tonight, New Year's Eve, we had an invitation to a party, for the first time in ages. A simple thing really, just three families, hanging out together, but so right for us. My friend who was hosting has three daughters; the middle one has a shortly upcoming birthday and loves nothing in the world so much as stuffed animals.

And so it came to pass that in addition to the champagne, strawberries and sparkling cider we brought to the party, came an enormous box of beanie babies.  Watching the sheer delight wash over my friend's daughter as she unearthed bear after bird after kangaroo from that box made my heart flutter.

My mother loved children so much (I'm sure it was part of her attraction to the beanie creatures, her real baby having left home so long ago) and I know that nothing would have made her happier than seeing her collection lighting up the world of a little girl.

~*~*~

We raised our glasses of champagne and cider to toast the new year as fireworks began to burst and boom in nearby Central Park.

And so I raise my glass to you, my friends and readers....

To a New Year, sweeter than the bitter one that has just come to its end.

May there be joy for us all. And healing hearts.

And fireworks, brightly hued and full of spangle; shimmering in the darkness, lighting up our midnights.

New Years Resolution: Clean Up My Act

In case you thought I was kidding about the "mountain of laundry" - JUST the boys' stuff.

I'm terrible at these things. I don't really make official "New Years Resolutions" because I know they'll be broken before the week's end. But there is one thing I absolutely MUST do this year -  which is clean my shit up.

I am not a naturally organized or tidy person and neither is my husband. Together we're a disaster. And I hate the way our cluttered, messy home looks and impacts our kids. ("Wait a minute honey, we can't leave for school yet because your mother needs to find this very important paper in that pile of chaos over there.")

And this year I really NEED to do something about that. So of course, I turned to the internet for help.

I am NOT a "Flylady" type. I get hives just stopping by that site. But Joslyn of stark. raving. mad. mommy. is my type of woman, and she, in her own, likewise ADD-rific whirlwind of disorganization put out the call for help to her readers (Please Help Me: My New Year's Resolution is to Get Organized).

One of them pointed to this site:  Unfuck Your Habitat (or UfYH for those who don't like to curse - obviously not me). Their tagline is: "Terrifying motivation for lazy people with messy homes" - PERFECT!

I also like their attitude, which is small goals, work for 20 minute chunks, then do 10 minutes of something else. Try for multiple rounds (but if one is all you can do at first, it's OK) and do it EVERY DAY.

From their site: "We deserve to live somewhere with nice things we love, and to have a clean, calm place to be, when we’re not at work or school or any of the fifty zillion other places we go."

AND: "...it’s about motivation, and support, and accountability."

And it's not just about housekeeping, it's universal: "And our homes aren’t the only things that need to be unfucked. Our finances, our jobs, our relationships: there’s no end to the things we can fuck up. The important thing to remember is that there is nothing that can’t be unfucked. You just have to do it." 

So I've found my guru. The kind of inspiration I can live with: ironic, realistic. Written by my people for my people (messy, disorganized, drowning in inertia) with the simple credo of: Do. Something.

And that I can live with.

And I'm starting today. Just 20 minutes, right?

(After I get the laundry put away - TODAY, I promise!)

2012 Round-up: What I Loved on OTHER People's Blogs

Walking into the Light by Neil Kramer

Well, I so enjoyed doing my 2011 Round-Up last year that I decided to make an annual tradition of it... gathering together some of the fabulous blog posts I've found on OTHER people's blogs, the ones that have moved me to laughter, tears, astonishment, or action (possibly all four) and sharing them with you all.

So right away, at the beginning of 2012, I started making note of posts I liked, thinking all I would have to do at the end of the year was hit "publish."  But then I found that in January alone I'd picked twelve great posts, and realized I would have a list of well over a hundred by the year's end.

Thus the monthly Round-Up feature on my blog was born.

But this... THIS HERE is the big guns, the annual version!

Enhanced this year with photos by my very, very, very favorite intstagram photographer, Neil Kramer - of the blog  Citizen of the Month - who I am also very happy to call my friend. He lives in both NYC and LA and also travels a good bit, so prepare to be amazed and amused.

Standing by Fountain by Neil Kramer

Once again, please note that this is an idiosyncratic, quirky and very, VERY incomplete list. (Because you are not going to slog through the 150 or so posts I gathered in my monthly Round-Ups in one sitting now, are you?)

Also, once again, if you know I love you and you're not on the list this year? Please know that there were so many, many more posts I adored, but at a certain point I just had to stop myself cold turkey. Because I HAD to finish this round-up and not keep opening it up again whilst slapping myself upside the head and declaring: "How could I have forgotten to include THAT amazing post!" and stuffing yet another in.

So please feel free to add a link to your one of your favorite 2012 posts in the comments section!

Note that some of these are repeats from my monthly Round-Ups, but many are new - posts that I wanted to include in a round up but the list was too long already, or I already had chosen another post by the same writer, or a gem of a post I discovered belatedly, from earlier in the year.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, some wonderful posts and images from 2012 for your edification and enjoyment:

Coney Island by Neil Kramer

We Can Become Known from Elan/Schmutzie of Schmutzie

Too Vast a Project by Adrienne of No Points for Style

Scars and Scars by Sarah of Sarah Piazza

Cloudy Afternoon by Neil Kramer

For the Record by Anna of An Inch of Gray

Tragedy by Maggie May of Flux Capacitor 

Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level by Laura of Laura Grace Weldon

Trees, Georgia by Neil Kramer

Rocking my inner Israeli Ke$ha by Sarah at The Times of Israel blog   

I wish I was a Stepford Wife by Candi of Looking for Blue Sky

The Thing About Autism by Kyra of Kyra Anderson 5.0

Raindrops by Neil Kramer

An open letter to all parents from a non-parent. from Emelia of Trying to be good

Thanks Giving 101 by (The Empress) Alexandra of Good Day Regular People

I debated whether or not to share this story. by UnWinona of {UnWinona}

Tilted Tree by Neil Kramer

Newsflash: There Are No Autistic Behaviours by Bec of Snagglebox

Aspie Like Me: A Diagnosis Story from Jean (Stimey) of Stimeyland 

As You Are: An Open Letter to My Son by Leigh of Flappiness Is...  at ChildsWork's ChildsPlay Blog

Swings by Neil Kramer

There are places I remember from Ellen of Love That Max

the noise of life by Jessica of Four plus an angel at mamalode

Grace, via jump rope by Mir of Woulda Coulda Shoulda 

Cat by Neil Kramer

The fight goes on. from Jenny, the Bloggess of The Bloggess

free pass by Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary

Home from Alysia of Try Defying Gravity

Tree in Cemetery by Neil Kramer

Scent of cardinals by Kris of Pretty All True 

The Advantages Of Being Never Not Broken. by Eden of Edenland

i see myself from Jess of a diary of a mom

Car by Neil Kramer

Dick Cheney's First Heart from Deb of Deb on the Rocks

Secrets of the Traveling Va-Jay-Jay from Kate of Diary of a Return-to-Work Mom 

Why I Still Blog by Tanis of Attack of the Redneck Mommy

Aaaaaaand that's all folks! Happy reading and Happy New Year!

A Sunset, New Zealand by Neil Kramer

I am so looking forward to reading everyone's wonderful fresh words and seeing Neil's new photos in the coming year!

The Reading Chair by Neil Kramer

2011 Round-up: What I Loved on OTHER People's Blogs

Well, it's been some ride on the rollercoaster this year, folks, hasn't it? And today, on the final day of the old year, I'm going to do something new and different here on the old blog:

Besides my Squashed Mom year in review post, "The Squashed Best of 2011" (which went up Thursday) all about where my blog has gone in 2011 (and, no, "to Hell in a handbasket" is NOT the right answer, here, folks) I also want to share some of the awesomeness I have found in OTHER people's blogs, on the interwebs, among my blogging friends and brethren.

So I have compiled for you a short, very unscientific, VERY incomplete list of a few of my faves and raves of 2011. 

And if you know I love you and you don't have a post on this list? Please know it's just an artifact of my tired, ADD-rific mommy brain. I'm probably slapping myself on the forehead right this instant, going: "Doh! How could I have forgotten THAT amazing post by wonderful HER!" - so please add a link to your one of your favorite 2011 posts in the comments section!

Here goes...

In no particular order, I have been moved to laughter. tears, astonishment, or action by these wonderful posts (among many more) this past year:

Mothering, Disability and Race from the lovely Elizabeth of a moon, worn as if it had been a shell

In the Beginning from my blog-heart-friend Adrienne of No Points for Style

the ghost of john wayne and the perils of eleven from the adventurous Deborah of MaNNaHaTTaMaMMa

Invisible from the delightful Momo of Momo Fali.

Adventures in Depression from the wonderful and very brave Allie of Hyperbole and a Half

Who Are You? from the wise and deep Alysia of Try Defying Gravity

I Dreamed You from the amazing Amanda of Last Mom on Earth

The Only Way To Make It Through This from our dear Empress (Alexandra) of Good Day Regular People

Whispered fingertips from Kris of Pretty All True who needs no qualifier, because she just IS all that.

The Obsessive Joy of Autism from Julia Bascom of Just Stimming and also Quiet Hands because her words are THAT important.

This Is Not Really About Cake from the "badass" Kelly of Mocha Momma

Of Spiderman, a bully, and lessons learned from the great-assed Cheryl of Mommypants

I keep thinking about the nurse. from the kick-ass Eden of Edenland

Top Ten Things You Should (and Shouldn't) Say to The Parent of an Autistic Child from the highly opinionated (and often hysterically funny) Stark Raving Mad Mommy.

On growing up with strange sensory reactions, and the difference between passing and being passed off. from outspoken Amanda of Ballastexistenz

I want my son back from the inspiring Blue Sky of Looking for Blue Sky

worst case scenario from the incomparable Maggie of Flux Capacitor

what i would tell you from the beloved Jess of a diary of a mom

Sunshine on the water is so lovely from eloquent Emily of Emily Rosenbaum

in the midst of this from the, well, extraordinary Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary

The Bridge: One Terrible Night from Anna See of An Inch of Gray who has gone where none of us wish to go, with more grace and fortitude than I can possibly imagine.

I could go on and on and on, but 21 feels like a nice number, so I'll stop here. In hindsight, looking over it, I find this list was probably a bit heavy on the autism and special needs stuff. But then again, so is my life. So. is. my. life.

Wishing all of you a wonderful New Year, a terrific 2012, wherever the next turn of the great wheel takes you!

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Happy Holidays

From my family to yours:

Coffee Shop Santa, by Jim Steinhardt, New York City, 1949

Whatever you celebrate (we're having a typical '"Jewish Christmas" - Chinese food & a movie - then lighting the menorah because it's the 6th night of Hanukkah), we're wishing you and yours:

The Happiest of Holidays and a kick-ass New Year!

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Happy New Year (from George, Christopher, Gracie and Jake)

Happy New Year, everyone!!!!

2010 bit our butts big time.

(Was reminded of just how much when I combed through the year for my 2010 "best of" wrap-up post)

(Would everybody please just stop dying, already?)

Here's to a terrific 2011 for one and all!

(Raising my virtual glass of champagne to clink with you all.)

(And as long as it's virtual? Make it Pol Roget Cuvée Sir Winston Churchill, please.)

(In actuality, we had Martinelli Sparkling Cider.)

(And it was just me and the husband playing Monopoly with a very hyper, over-tired Ethan at the stroke of midnight.  Jake had fallen dead asleep on the rocking chair at 10 PM, and I'd been able to sleep-walk him to bed.)

(Ethan was winning, of course.)

(And all sugared up.)

(It was so very fun to put him to bed at 12:30.)

(The words "please, darling, just shut up and go to sleep" might have crossed my lips at about 12:55)

(But I would never say that, so it must have been more like: "If you don't stop giggling and calling me George, you will lose all screen time for the rest of the weekend.  I love you, now go to sleep.")

(I might have told him if he continued to call me "George" and his father "Christopher" I was going to start calling him "Gracie."  This might have been unwise, as it provoked yet another giggling fit, even though the reference was lost on him.)

(Ethan is going through a bit of a "class clown" phase.  Please let it just be a phase.)

(Ethan, balancing on the knife edge of funny/annoying ALWAYS pushes it too far and tips into pure annoyance.)

(He finally fell asleep.)

(If Jacob wakes him up early - as he inevitably does - Ethan is going to be just so much *fun* in the morning.)

(Sigh)

Say Goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight.

And Happy New Year, my friends, Happy New Year to you all.


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Something Wonderful

At the pediatrician's office with my son this morning, I was reminded of something to be thankful for.  We hadn't been there in five months, not since my sons' annual physicals this summer.  And before that?  Last spring... maybe?

This morning at 8 AM when I went to call the doctor's office, I had needed to look up the number.

And then the particular pediatrician my son saw was the same one he had seen first at a week old, on his first doctor's visit ever.   She'd had another child herself in the intervening years, had a few more gray hairs mixed in with the chestnut brown.  She was happy to report that my son had a simple cold with his croup, and write that very dear prescription for prednisone, which will (hopefully) keep Jake from having another night like last, tonight.

And then we spent a moment acknowledging that we had barely seen each other in years.  "Yes," I'd said, "we are no longer frequent fliers here.  Remember those first years when I had your practice's number on speed dial?  I think you were on call some of those nights when I had to phone in with a sick child at 2 AM." 

And truly, it was like looking back to another lifetime ago, remembering those early years, because things are so different now.  My sons are eight, nearly eight and a half, poised on the brink of big-boy-ness, but still seeking Mom's lap for cuddles.  And Jacob, with autism in the picture, will clearly be little-boy-like longer still.  But also?  Getting big, fast.

Today it was hard to move myself out of my whiny, complaining space into finding my gratefulness.  But I wanted to, needed to.

As I look back over this year there has been so much shitty, shitty crap, but also, amidst the crap, the gems are there, too.  And today I was actively treasure hunting, trying to focus on the positive as the year winds down to its last few days.

Four more 24 hour periods, and then, onto the next.  Thank goodness.

And yes I know how arbitrary a marker a year is, that calendars are an invention, a human creation, like longitude and latitude marks on a globe, imaginary lines that hold significance only because we all agree on them.

And being Jewish makes this even clearer since we get to have two "New Years" every year.  Ethan asked recently which one was the "real" one, which lead to a whole discussion of the above, how they are both real and also both artificial.

I guess the truest year markers are the natural ones, things like the solstices and equinoxes, that have observable dimensions; the winter solstice being the clearly measurable shortest day, longest night (with the summer one the opposite).  The vernal and autumnal equinoxes have those perfectly equal day and night ratios, twice a year precisely.  At least here, far north (or there, down south) of the equator, they do.

At the actual equator where day and night are always exactly the same, each 24 hours offering alternating 12 hour periods of light and dark?  All this stuff is hooey.

Is this one reason why tropical cultures have often embraced a more "live for today" attitude while those evolving in the nether regions where one must hunker down to pass through a long cold dark winter holding the promise of warmth and sunshine solely in your mind for months have frequently taken on a more "work hard and suffer now, enjoy later" philosophy?  Possibly.

All I know is that right now I need to mark the passing of time, to find a way to put this dreadful year behind me.  And also?  To acknowledge the lovely things that have happened this year, too, the gems among the crap:

I began this blog, and found a whole world, a community I did not know existed, which has blossomed into something wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.

We found a new school for Jacob, which has been all we hoped and dared to dream it would be: the right school for him.  He is growing and blossoming there something wonderful, beyond our wildest dreams.

Ethan has the perfect teacher for him in this so important third grade year.  She is lovely, a living Ms. Frizzle.  He no longer thinks history is boring.  He spent an hour the other day quizzing me about the Kennedy family.  He wants to know who my favorite president was.  We are googling interesting facts about WWI together.   It's something wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.

And as to 2011?

Here's to hoping it is something wonderful, beyond our wildest dreams.

For me and my family, and for you and yours.

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