Friday, January 18, 2013

Motherless

Mom & Me, Mothers Day, 2012

How could it be?

I woke up this morning and the world was still still here, popped into existence when I opened my eyes; the sun held high in the firmament, the bustling sounds of city life washing in through my air-cracked window.

How could it be?

The world in existence.

Yet diminished, greatly reduced, by one soul... gone.

Sylvia.

Mother.

How can the planet spin onward when she is no longer here?

And yet, it does.

Jake went to school. Ethan stayed home.

I am busy with a thousand phone calls I do not want to make, yet must.

Calls to tell people.

To make "arrangements."

Calls that involve the word "body."

(The husk that's all that's left.)

I shut down to do this. It's the only way.

***

I watched her go. I held her hand. I kissed her forehead, cooling.

***

I have mothered my mother for so long, it feels more like a child has died than a parent.

I keep thinking, routinely: "What do I have to do for her today, tomorrow, next week?"

And the blankness that comes back is cold and white with nothingness.

And the Kate Bush song echoes in my head: "All the things I should have done, that I never did."

Because even 52 years together are not enough when you want more.

And I am greedy.

I wanted more.

But there is no more.

She is done.

This last fight was beyond her.

The pain was too big.

Her heart valve too small.

She was tired, so very tired.

And now she is beyond the suffering.

(at peace.)

And I am motherless, forever more.


40 comments:

  1. This fills my eyes with tears. I am so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I offer my condolences, though wish you would not see yourself as motherless. Part of your mothering is what continues to raise her life and meaning. All that she means to you, will stay with you forever.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Varda, I am so very sorry. Abiding with you, sending you peace and gentleness as you get through this next bit. Xxxx eden

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so very sorry for your losss.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I send you love and comfort and space for mourning. I will meditate on strength for you. I am so thankful to know you were with her. Such a great love you have shared.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Varda I'm so sorry. I've been following your updates about your mom. I know she was comforted by your being there. Praying for peace.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. She was so blessed to have you by her side through it all, as you were blessed to have her for so long.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so sorry, Varda.

    The depth of our mourning, equal to the depth of our love.

    It hurts. For so long and in so many minutes of our day, it hurts.

    And we move around, like robots, doing what the spinning world asks us to do. Because the world waits for no one..

    So very sorry, dear friend. I would love to talk to you, to hear of some outstanding stories, that I know you have of her life.

    I would love this time here, on your blog, to be stories of Sylvia.

    Like you, I am greedy, and I want to know more about the woman that made the Varda whom I adore, into the incredible person she is.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) She lives on through you and your children always. ~ Jamie

    ReplyDelete
  11. I sm so sorry for your loss, Varda. Your love for your mom is so strong-- a testament to both of you. Hugs from VA.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so sorry. I was dreading this blog entry, and I am so sad for you. It's good to know that you were with her in the end. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Such sad news, Varda. So sorry.

    "/

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm sorry for your loss. Sending peace and strength to you...HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  15. Varda, I have been checking here frequently, knowing the first "after" post would turn up eventually. I knew it would be raw and poetic, mournful and beautiful. I did not expect that you would so perfectly capture my own feelings of vulnerability, lost and blinking in the sun after the loss of my own mother over 20 years ago. This evening I mourn with you. Thank you for sharing that space. I will hold it with you.
    -e-

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sending hugs to you Varda. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love to you Varda. And peace.

    ReplyDelete
  18. oh, varda. i am so so very sorry. thinking of you xo

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and comfort. It is an amazing bond you shared with her. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh, I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine how you feel
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. How lucky Sylvia was to have had you for her daughter. All my sympathy and love.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I went through the loss of my mother over an eight month period. That was five years ago. Eventually, being motherless becomes the new norm. {{{Hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  23. She will live on in your heart and memory. XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm so sorry. It is difficult to lose someone you love. Especially a mother. My heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. What a lovely though heartbreaking post. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Nothing compares to the loss of a mother. It's completely unmooring. Thinking of you, Varda, and sending you peace and strength.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am so sorry for your loss, for the grief and the pain. I'm thinking of you, my friend. xo

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sending love- I am so very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh Varda. I know it feels like a hole in the heart. I lost my mother 15 years ago;a day doesn't go by that I still don't think of her. I know that right now it feels as if that hole will never be filled. But I also know -- I promise -- that somehow, with time, the pain slowly does become more bearable. Sending you sympathy and strength. xo

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm so sorry, Varda, for the loss of your sweet mother. I hope you will find comfort in your memories of her. Sending peaceful, healing thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Such a beautiful post. I'm so so sorry for your deep loss.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Much love to you, Varda, I wish that I could ease the pain.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Varda, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. We are never ready to say goodbye to our mothers. Sometimes, seven years later, I still will think about calling her to tell her something, and then I remember.

    You and your family will be in my prayers, for healing and for peace.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh Varda, I am so very sorry. I'll never forget six years when my mom lost her mom..and she sobbed on my shoulder telling me that even at 60 years old all she wanted was her mommy. Love you.xo

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am so sorry. While you go around doing what needs to be done because someone must do it, know that I am praying for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete

I am so sorry to have to turn word verification back on, but the spam-bots have found me - yikes!