Friday, June 25, 2010

A Little Respect

The other day a miraculous thing came in the mail: a letter addressed to my son Jacob, the one on the Autism Spectrum who has no real friends of his own yet, and never gets mail. The letter came from the Admissions Director of the new school Jake will be attending in the fall. 

Those who have been aware of my struggles to find a school for my son for next year will read these words and know the tonnage of the weight that has now been lifted from my heart.  

Jacob has not been an easy child to find a school for.  Too related for the Autism schools and too Autistic for the LD (Learning Disabled) schools - and also with too large a language disorder for the wonderful Aspergers program that shockingly does exist in our NYC public schools (the ASD Nest program) - he is a classic “falls though the cracks” kind of kid.  Not that we would let that happen to him, but still, this has not been a fun year. 

Let me say that again, because I like the saying of it: my son Jacob now has a school to attend next fall. And not just any school, a wonderful one that felt so right from the moment I walked in the door, and stayed that way through every interaction I have had with every staff member of the school.  

I have felt there to be an overriding (and sadly rare) combination of warmth, caring, intelligence and respect that I did not know was exactly what I was looking for until I encountered it, and then it left nearly every other school sadly wanting.  This school, though private, is neither fancy or shmantzy, but it is perfect for Jake right now, and so I sigh the deepest sigh of relief a parent has ever exhaled.

But I am digressing again (I do that, I have ADD, remember?) and I want to come back to this letter.  A few simple paragraphs. Nothing fancy, or shmantzy, but it made me cry.  Read it here (with a few specifying details fudged) and you will know why: 

Dear Mr. Jacob F.

Congratulations!  We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the Level II class at the XYZ School at (address) for the 2010-2011 school year.

Within the next week, your family should expect to receive an envelope with enrollment materials.  They will also receive a phone call from our main office, asking to set up an appointment for an enrollment meeting.

I am delighted to welcome you and your family to the XYZ School.  We look forward to a successful year and a long partnership.

Sincerely,
B.E.
Director of Admissions 


If you haven’t figured out why this made me cry, here it is: the Director of Admissions sent this letter directly to my Autistic almost 8 year old son. To HIM, not to me.  What that simple act communicates is a world of import, summed up in a simple/not simple word: RESPECT.  

Jacob is being treated like a person, a person to be talked to, not just talked about.  He is not “being placed”, he is being welcomed into a community.  And this makes all the difference in the universe.   

I sent an email to the Admissions Director, telling him his letter had made me cry, and also telling him:

“I want you to know that your short, simple, warm letter so elegantly communicated a level of respect for your students as people and members of a community.  I have not experienced this anywhere else in his education to date, and now that I know it is possible, from this point on I will expect no less for him, ever.  Thank you.”


And this is what I want to pass on, to say to all of us, parents of children with special and with ordinary needs (no, calm down, I’m not calling your kids ordinary, yes, they are all special) of children with and without IEPs (although to quote a friend “isn’t every child an individual, and shouldn’t all Individuals have their own Education Plan?”)….

I say this:  R-E-S-P-E-C-T (nods to Aretha)  Expect and demand no less for our children, ever!

36 comments:

  1. Aw, Varda - how wonderful! I am so glad you found exactly the right place for him. What a relief! And you're right - we should ALL demand respect for our children!

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  2. Varda - this is great news! What a relief. I hope to meet Jake someday if he ever comes by the other "xyz" school to visit sometime. Thanks for this post, and you other excellent posts. I also loved Autistic to Artistic. Have a great summer if I don't see you.

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  3. This is fabulous! Congratulations!

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  4. Congratulations, and what a beautiful thing to address it to your son. That one single act shows so much understanding and respect.

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  5. YAY! I'm so glad you found a quality school for him.

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  6. Varda, this was beautiful. I am so so happy for you and Jacob. And I love this school for being so brilliant and respectful.

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  7. Congratulations! :) That must be a great relief for you.

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  8. Such great news! And what a wonderful start to his career at the school that they should write to him personally! Jumping up and down on your behalf!

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  9. A school that really really wants your child. Delighted for you :)

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  10. Its a beautiful thing, to understand that the root of success is respecting each other. How is it that we feel we can educate children without this?? I ache sometimes for the kids who are forced to go to school in places where this is not a core belief, and no one seems to blink an eye.

    So happy for this small success that bodes well for BIG ones in the school year. :)

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  11. Varda, just discovered your blog. I love your writing. I also write for GenSandwichers at "Sometimes I Feel Like a Piece of Bologna" (www.generationsandwich.blogspot.com). Drop by sometime.

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  12. I think I am going to cry for you too, this is fantastic news and the bit that makes me teary is that the letter was addressed to Jacob. It sounds like the perfect school:) Jen

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  13. Awesome! I get what you're feeling, although I'm on the spectrum, and not a parent.

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  14. I love the personal letter- nice touch and congrats! Looking forward to meeting you at BlogHer so I can come back here and tell all your readers how hilarious you are! Though I suspect they already know. ;)

    thanks for stopping by my place!

    cheers!

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  15. Wonderful post - love it, and I too was very touched by the letter.

    Big Congrats to you and Jacob!

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  16. That is so great. Found you via Stimeyland. I have a 6 year old daughter with autism and can totally relate to the school hunting. I know how relieved you must be!

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  17. Hi Varda
    I just linked to your blog in a diary on dailyKos. That diary is here:

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/7/7/17412/85406

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  18. Thanks, Peter (and everyone for your lovely comments)

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  19. Woohooo!
    This is terrific! And sharing this moment with others just makes it that much better.

    We should all expect no less for our kiddos.

    Ever!

    (and thanks for your great comment over at www.thesmartlyoc.com!

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  20. How GREAT is that?!?!? LOVE it. Its amazing how the respect for our children is so rare that what should be common place is so special it brings a tear to your eye.

    i was a bit misty over here reading your post...:)

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  21. That is fabulous! I am so happy for you and your son to have found a school that works. I think all of us Autie Moms are searching for that perfect placement.

    I am loving my son's placement for the summer. But I feel like every transition to a new school and room bring such stress and worry. I am so happy for you.

    And I totally get what you said about your son actually being addressed rather than just talked about or around.

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  22. And this post made ME cry.

    We ache so much with want for our kids.

    How wonderful that someone's thoughtful words eased your ache.

    I am glad.

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  23. Cangratulations! I agree. We should expect and receive respect for all of our children. They should be treated as individuals and given the same respect that we are given and expect.

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  24. Varda, what a great post. Yes, every child deserves RESPECT. So often people talk about kids with special needs - especially non-verbal kids like my son Neal - as if they are not even in the room. Bravo to this sensitive educator. Bravo to you for acknowledging his actions. And best of luck to you and Jacob next year!

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  25. Hey Varda,
    Debbie told me you finally found a school for Jacob. Congrats. What a relief for you. We miss you in group.
    Jen

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  26. Just beautiful.Thanks for sharing this and reminding me of how important it is to give kids a voice and treat them with the respect we ask them to give us.

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  27. Fabulous letter! I can see why it made you cry. And so happy that you managed to find somewhere so lovely for Jacob - and get him out of the crack! The cracks are no place for any child.

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

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  28. I'm so glad you found Jacob a place. He's been there for a while now - I hope it is everything you hoped for your little boy. x

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  29. How wonderful. A very impressive attitude displayed by the school. Writing to the student is such an easy thing to do, when you think about it, but so unexpected. Hope he's loving it there.

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  30. I can only imagine your joy when he received this letter. And, you are so right, the fact that HE received it is so respectful. You just know he is in good hands there. He must have started by now so I am going to find out by reading some of your more recent posts. x

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  31. Oh, this is amazing. Has the school turned out to be everything you thought it would be?

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  32. Lovely to read this again on Blog Gems :)

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  33. Very nice - and so encouraging. I hope for that respect for our son in his new school (junior high) too. So far the school year is off to a good start for him.

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