Yes, yes I know, it has been a long while since my last blog post. Time, which seemed to slow down to a trickle and crawl while my father was busy disintegrating and dying had now sped up scarily such that I am blinking away whole days. I breathe in and out and a week has passed – how can that be? I have done nothing, not even a mere tenth of my endless Sisyphean to-do list has gotten done, yet still I’m busy, breathless, spinning and spinning, not ever still, except to sleep, and that not near enough (for more on that see my NYC Moms blog post “Momsomnia”). But while my whirling dervish act seems to be moving me no closer to my goals, it’s keeping me from slipping back into the abyss. So I’m spinning on, whirlpooling all the needs swirling around me: Jacob needs a new school; Ethan needs lots and lots of attention; my husband needs a wife (hey, so do I); my apartment needs cleaning and de-cluttering; my mother needs everything; and I need to get seriously un-stuck.
I’m in limbo, but it’s a busy, noisy limbo: I have (god help me) joined Twitter and am figuring out where I belong in all that. My twitter handle (“handle” I am tickled by the retro 80’s CB trucker feel of that) is @squashedmom, if you must know, and I may or may not continue to travel there much. When you have an obsessive personality like mine (yeah, I’ve finally figured that out about myself) it’s either all or nothing, and I’m not sure I need to get lost in the chatter all day long. What drove me to this is that I’ve recently joined the NYC Moms blog group. Through them, I have been plunged into the “mom blogger” universe which is vast and interesting and full of awesome women, and an incredible potential time suck. I don’t quite fit in and don’t quite not fit in. The autism and the whole dead father thing make me a bit of a drag, the pouty girl at the party. I want people to like me, but I’m never going to be an “it” mom, whatever that is.
I still have all these half written posts crowding my brain space, just dangling in the computer, but I haven’t been able to finish anything. I have nothing ready to send out, yet strongly feel the need to fill some space, keep this blog thing going, mark my territory, say “I am here”. So here is my first post about nothing. Nothing but my feelings, which are, I suppose, something, but I don’t assume enough to hold anyone’s attention for long, so I think I should stop before I begin to bore even myself. A little navel gazing, I suppose, is not a terrible thing, but I promise it will be followed up by something about something, soon.